U - Marao - Jaan !!

[vivek_ioata]

"Umrao Jaan-ada" is the story of a young girl Ameeran, snatched from her family in Faisabad and sold to a brothel in Lucknow. She is brought up there under the tutelage of a Madam, Khanum Sahib (Shabana Azmi) and is taught the art of dance and music, until she grows up to be the poetess and courtesan Umrao Jaan (Aishwarya Rai). She then falls in love, rather disastrously, with a young nobleman Nawab Sultan (Abhishek Bachchan) who she cant really be with because of who she is. Umrao also has men falling in love with her, Gohar Mirza (Puru Rajkumar) and a dacoit (Suniel Shetty), both of whom end up taking advantage of her. She tries to go back to her old, childhood home in Faisabad, but is rejected by her family because of her profession. Umrao returns to Lucknow, and spends her remaining days alone and unloved. (YAWN!!!!)

Its a three and a half hour movie. Quite a few good movies have been made here in the past about courtesans. "Umrao Jaan" itself was first made in the 80’s and actually gained the status of a classic....."Why?" you might ask. Certainly not due to its story, but because of a beautiful actress named Rekha who played Umrao, who made an alluring, beautiful courtesan, and because of the poetry -drenched, wonderfully melodic music. Nice cameos from NSD (National School of Drama) trained actors like Nasseeruddin Shah and Farooque Shaikh in the old classic also helped the cause of that movie.

Coming to THIS movie......

ACTING: Not a single actor or performance stands out in this movie. Shabana as Khanum Sahib is imperious and arresting as usual, but she is only playing herself, not the character. Abhishek Bachchan too ends up playing himself and a bit of his father. Aishwarya is beautiful ,but a courtesan is not necessarily beautiful. A courtesan has to have the allure, the "ada", a certain air of mystery, yet sending out unmistakeable signs of invitation and warmth, to draw men to her. Aishwarya certainly doesnt exude any kind of allure or warmth. As for the chemistry between the lead actors, NON-EXISTENT as far as I could see! Or perhaps one is just too bored by the movie to care!

However, none of these actors are to blame completely for their lackluster performances. They have all done better in other movies, with good scripts and directors. Some of the cameo roles in this movie are so badly acted that they are actually laughable...like the guy playing the author Ruswa...eveytime he uttered a dialogue in supposedly chaste Urdu, the audience laughed!

MUSIC: Absolutely dreadful and forgettable. It seemed like there was a song every minute, and each song was a continuation of the previous one. The only average song in the movie, "Agle janam mohe", only played in the background, and that too just for a few seconds at a time, whereas Alka Yagnik seemed to shriek out a song every other minute!

DIRECTION: Need I really spell it out and state how bad it was! JP Duta has completely lost it. Granted this movie wasnt as bad as his previous effort LOC was, but it isnt that much better either. Unnecessary songs, badly etched characters, not edited properly...the list of flaws is endless. It is difficult to imagine that this is the man who made movies like "Ghulami" and "Border"...they werent brilliant, but at least they were made from the heart.

There is so much more to critique, but I wont waste your time..this movie isnt worth it!

[echarcha]

Why do they screw with the classics is beyond me! Recently Farhan Akhtar fucked his father Javed Akhtar and his partner Saleem's classic Don. Now Umrao Jaan?

I had to see the original Don over the weekend to get the bad taste of the new Don out of my mind.

[laal_langot]

bhaiya log...very soon the current generation of hot NRI's from India will start looking like uncle dollar's who sailed to red indian land long long time ago...is it the being away from India that makes such classicofanatico purists(almost sounds like some gastric syndrome) out of seemingly jawaan and natkhat open minded baalaks and baalikas?

Don is said to have been a money maker on balance...ricksharok khan's clothing in the movie is being spun off as a clothing trend...there are other promotions worked around the movie, so its going to bring in more revenue...somebody apart from rickshawaala and thelawaala must be spending...unless all the thelawaalas, panwaalas and rickshaawaalas of India have passed a bill that all of them will be seen in 'Don' attire from now on and will always say to clients...'Don' ka intezaar to duniya ke 27 mulkhon ki police karr rahi...lekin woh milegaa sirf iss riksha stand parr...

Same is the case with Kyon marao gaan..current generation...current styling etc...for starters...the azure worn by Sultan could become a style statement..as could the traditional clothing...its not just about the script and pachaasi twists waala 'plot' anymore...a movie is a brand and is sold accordingly..it was known well before what the story would be...Umrao Jaan had very little chance of being a Californian Porn Queen who was stolen from the Congolese jungles by Belgian smugglers looking for diamonds, who falls in love with an Afghani afeemchi who cannot be with her because he doesnt know which bus goes to California from Kabul...

Its only the contemporary styling...looking at it from a future perspective, these microwaved versions will probably interest people to look at more than one famous version...if suddenly in the year 2070 someone hears about a movie called don and chances upon Mitaab Bashan running the 'sack race' in 'khaayi ke paan banaras waala'(he dances with both feet together as if its a sack race)....I doubt they will explore the whole phenomenon in detail...if it were chronological with regular remakes...perhaps out of sheer perceived comic value as one goes back, people would watch these movies(remakes and originals)...

for example...black and white movies are seen today many a times for their hysterical features....jeetendra's white shoes(I have 3 pairs of white shows by the way...one with zipper and heel, one with buckle and the third one that you can slide into)...Bhagwan Dada's dance...johnny walker's swagger..Mithon's thrusting pelvis in all directions with index finger pointing to the crowd...Rishi Kapoor ke Lightbulbs waale kapde

So...good or not so good...need to evaluate these movies open mindedly...uncle dollars...please be kinder...

p.s. Asswadya Rai is one chick I wouldnt do even if she were dying of hypothermia and in need of 'jisam ki garmi'...I would rather be molested under bondage by Guddi Maruti...

[Charchila]

Copy - Mat- Karo - Vivek

[dhurandhar]

Following are some disturbing mis-representations in the movie

1) The bloody hand-pump that is in the premise of Amiran's bungalow. I don't think before 1857 there was such an hand pump in use in India...people used to use rope and bucket to draw water from the well

2) The roads of Lucknow (or whatever place that is where U-marao did her dances) are made of tar and asphalt...I doubt whether tar-asphalt roads were in place before 1857

3) In the previous version of the same movie, Gohar Mirza is not able to get his member in U-marao jaan...in this version he succeeds

4) In the previous version, some old geezer also gets to spend time with U-marao jaan...most likely the character corresponding to the father of character played by Abhishek

[HarHarMahaDev]

I watched this movie couple of days ago...IT WAS BAD!! How bad??

I would rather bathe in regurgitated tub of rancid skunk meat than watch this movie again!! WHAT THE FCUK??!!

The only good thing about the movie was the costumes...still they looked contemporary and did not give an appearance of a period film!!

THE ACTING!! THE ACTING!! A wooden plank has better expressions than these three pieces of turd - Ash, Abhisek and Sunil!! What the fcuk? Go home and read 'Acting for Dummies'!

The dialogues are so fcuking moronic and slow paced that...that...who the fcuk talks like that?? Who??

The songs were ok...but nothing earth shattering

THE WORST PART ABOUT THE MOVIE....NO SEX! ZILCH....I could hardly get a peek at Ash's cleavage!! I am willing to put up with any kind of bolly bullshit as long as there is sufficient amount of screen time for cleavages and thighs! THIS MOVIE DID NOT HAVE IT (that is why I like Karan Johar/Yash Chopra movies)

someone rightly said "Watch this movie and U-will-MARAO - GAAND!"