How would you handle this - employee leaving lewd comments around the workplace?

[echarcha]

I was just watching a comedy talk show on TV and a situation came to mind. I just had to share it with you.

Imagine you are the CEO or the HR in-charge of your company.

Now some moron employee has decided to leave small notes with lewd messages around the workplace to offend other employees.

How do you handle this situation?

Taking it to a more Howard Stern level - Suppose this employee has made several zerox copies of his rear end or his front end then how do you trace this employee and how do you handle this situation?

Some serious answers please.

[vyomkeshsaxena]

CCTV shud do the work for u....

[dhurandhar]

Originally Posted by echarcha

I was just watching a comedy talk show on TV and a situation came to mind. I just had to share it with you.

Imagine you are the CEO or the HR in-charge of your company.

Now some moron employee has decided to leave small notes with lewd messages around the workplace to offend other employees.

How do you handle this situation?

Taking it to a more Howard Stern level - Suppose this employee has made several zerox copies of his rear end or his front end then how do you trace this employee and how do you handle this situation?

Some serious answers please.

Dhurlock Holmes suggests looking for "godown hair" and using DNA techniques trace it to the individual in the office

Expensive...but when you make an example out of one employee and tell the story to new hires...such things don't happen again

Alternatively, one can have hidden camera near photocopy machines and on suspected employees desks

[vyomkeshsaxena]

Originally Posted by dhurandhar

Dhurlock Holmes suggests looking for "godown hair" and using DNA techniques trace it to the individual in the office

Expensive...but when you make an example out of one employee and tell the story to new hires...such things don't happen again

Alternatively, one can have hidden camera near photocopy machines and on suspected employees desks

i was also going to suggest 'forensic' techniques but i think the stuff is not practical in case of huge organisations

another waycan be..

1. supply different quality of papers (from sationary store) to each unit for photocopy jobs so that atleast the dept can be singled out/ using different toners/ink carridges in photocopy/laser printer machines so that dept can be singled out...then one can employ CCTV technique to single-out he person ( i mean ofcourse if it is possible thru forensic stuff to single-out the differences between the inks of various companies manufacturing ink cartridges/toners!! )

[TerminatorJR]

Cha pai,
Are the notes printed from a printer ? I have heard since long that copies from printers can be traced to its origin. Just today I read it for real.
Link

San Francisco - A secret code embedded in many colour laser jet printers allows the US government and any other organisation capable of reading the cipher to identify when the copies were made and on which particular machine, according to research conducted by the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF).

The San Francisco-based privacy organisation said it had detected almost invisible patterns of yellow dots on every document printed on the affected machines that could indicate when and where the print was made. Among the copiers found to include the secret yellow dots are ones made by Brother, Canon, Dell, Epson, HP, Konica/Minolta, Kyocera, Lexmark, Ricoh, Tektronix/Toshiba and Xerox.

[Sane Less]

Originally Posted by echarcha

I was just watching a comedy talk show on TV and a situation came to mind. I just had to share it with you.

Imagine you are the CEO or the HR in-charge of your company.

Now some moron employee has decided to leave small notes with lewd messages around the workplace to offend other employees.

How do you handle this situation?

Taking it to a more Howard Stern level - Suppose this employee has made several zerox copies of his rear end or his front end then how do you trace this employee and how do you handle this situation?

Some serious answers please.

Cha pai... are you trying to figure out a foolproof way of actually doing it?

[echarcha]

For starters you cannot put a camera in every employee's cubicle. Its a invasion of privacy and employees have privacy rights. Offcourse if your job is that of a security guard then you are bound to be covered by cameras. But for most desk/cubicle jobs you cannot really put cameras. Atleast I have not seen such cameras over employee desks and seating areas in many companies that I have seen in Bay Area.

Now about the lewd zerox copiues - Suppose this moron employee makes the copies elsewhere and so all your secret paper toners and different paper texture and all that fails. Now lets say your company is say just 100 employees with about 60 men.

How are you goiing to handle this? Will you say - people I need a photo of your rear/front end?

[GunsNRoses]

Originally Posted by echarcha

How are you goiing to handle this? Will you say - people I need a photo of your rear/front end?

And how do the employees know whether someone really took a xerox copy of their ass or that you, their perverted boss, want photos of their front and rear ends to add to your scrapbook collection .

[echarcha]

Originally Posted by GunsNRoses

And how do the employees know whether someone really took a xerox copy of their ass or that you, their perverted boss, want photos of their front and rear ends to add to your scrapbook collection .

Arey.. this is serious yaar.. SOmething similar has happened in some company I know and it was a big issue. Somehow they detected who did this and all this stopped.

[Sane Less]

Originally Posted by echarcha

Arey.. this is serious yaar.. SOmething similar has happened in some company I know and it was a big issue. Somehow they detected who did this and all this stopped.

Cha pai, are you worried that you will be caught? and want to figure out excuses before hand?

[GunsNRoses]

Ok, if you want a semi-serious reply, here's how I'd tackle it.

Assumptions:
1. There is more than one picture here because the perpatrator is acting cocky (no pun intended) and took several pictures.

2. Copier is a color copier. If it isn't, assume that the company bought one just for this and the perpatrator, being an ass (again, no pun intended) has used it a few times for the novelty factor. The boss will only use pictures from the color copier for consideration into the investigation.

3. Boss isn't afraid of taking unorthodox steps.

THE GAAJAR CHEWING DETECTIVE METHOD (Karamchand?)
0. Determine if this is one person or several: Usually spots on the ass are a giveaway, so you can tell if this is one person or several people. Care should be taken to eliminate specs of dust on the copier surface. Let's assume that after this step, it is determined that the pictures are from one person.

1. Determine the sex of this person: Shouldn't be too hard to do this since there are several pictures. It is very hard to take several pictures of your ass without showing part of your genitals as well. Also, the shapeliness (or lack of) will easily tell whether this person is male or female. If the detective gets a hard-on from watching the pics, this means the perpatrator is female (and rather shapely ).

2. Determine the race of this person: Since the pictures are in colour, it should be fairly easy to tell the approximate skin color of the a$$ of the prankster, as well as the color of the face. Sometimes, other clues such as hair color can also be determined from this picture.

3. Determine the waist size: The boss can climb on the copier in question and take a few pictures of his ass as well. Then measure the resulting end points of the boss's ass and average. Then, do the same thing for the perpatrator's pictures as well. Since the boss knows his own waist size, he can somewhat extrapolate the size of the perp's ass as well and determine what size pants (or panties) the perp is wearing.

With all these clues, said detective boss (namely, muah) determines that the perp is this strikingly beautiful blonde in accounting, who has an impish sense of humor. Next step is to compliment her, send her a few flowers and ask her out on a date.

[sarv_shaktimaan]

Originally Posted by GunsNRoses

Ok, if you want a semi-serious reply, here's how I'd tackle it.

Assumptions:
1. There is more than one picture here because the perpatrator is acting cocky (no pun intended) and took several pictures.

2. Copier is a color copier. If it isn't, assume that the company bought one just for this and the perpatrator, being an ass (again, no pun intended) has used it a few times for the novelty factor. The boss will only use pictures from the color copier for consideration into the investigation.

3. Boss isn't afraid of taking unorthodox steps.

THE GAAJAR CHEWING DETECTIVE METHOD (Karamchand?)
0. Determine if this is one person or several: Usually spots on the ass are a giveaway, so you can tell if this is one person or several people. Care should be taken to eliminate specs of dust on the copier surface. Let's assume that after this step, it is determined that the pictures are from one person.

1. Determine the sex of this person: Shouldn't be too hard to do this since there are several pictures. It is very hard to take several pictures of your ass without showing part of your genitals as well. Also, the shapeliness (or lack of) will easily tell whether this person is male or female. If the detective gets a hard-on from watching the pics, this means the perpatrator is female (and rather shapely ).

2. Determine the race of this person: Since the pictures are in colour, it should be fairly easy to tell the approximate skin color of the a$$ of the prankster, as well as the color of the face. Sometimes, other clues such as hair color can also be determined from this picture.

3. Determine the waist size: The boss can climb on the copier in question and take a few pictures of his ass as well. Then measure the resulting end points of the boss's ass and average. Then, do the same thing for the perpatrator's pictures as well. Since the boss knows his own waist size, he can somewhat extrapolate the size of the perp's ass as well and determine what size pants (or panties) the perp is wearing.

With all these clues, said detective boss (namely, muah) determines that the perp is this strikingly beautiful blonde in accounting, who has an impish sense of humor. Next step is to compliment her, send her a few flowers and ask her out on a date.

If I say "wonderful, genius !!!".....you'll say,"elementary, my dear Watson"....I guess you are a proctologist (proctologist: a doctor specializing in diseases of the rectum and anus)......right ? ? ? ?

[GunsNRoses]

No, I'm not a proctologist or a commie (as, I know where my head ends and my ass starts ). Just a rather frequent admirer of women in general and blue-eyed blondes in particular (wouldn't have got engaged to one, if I wasn't).

[echarcha]

Originally Posted by Sane Less

Cha pai, are you worried that you will be caught? and want to figure out excuses before hand?

Nahi re.. Infact I am the health inspector of the sanitation department of our company for my talent at critiquing imperfectly cleaned commodes and toilet stalls and urinals.

Trust me this question and thought came to me as a result of something similar which had happened elsewhere, a late night comedy talk show and Howard Stern's recent show. So all combined together and I came up with this thread for you.

[GunsNRoses]

So what do you think of my semi-serious stab at the problem?