Friday Thread for August 11th

[dirty]

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...

1. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

2. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

4. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

5. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

6. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

7. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

8. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

9. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell - with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

10. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

11. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

12. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

13. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to
7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

14. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the
past seven years.

15. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the
next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm and the fleas
of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer!

Thanks Again!

[dawizard]

didja mean Friday thread for Aug 12th??

[dhurandhar]

Originally Posted by dawizard

didja mean Friday thread for Aug 12th??

no... he is just stuck in Y2K

[padhu]

Everybody I know who has a dog, usually calls him "rover" or "spot"....I called mine *sex*. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me....when I went to city hall to renew the dog license for sex, I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "She is a dog!!"....he said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding....the next day, we were married at the justice of the peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand, sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered sex in a contest, but before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around....I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said, "I hoped to have sex on TV!!" He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had sex before I was married....but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "Me too!"

Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail....been divorced....and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foreseen. Why just the other day, when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist....she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life....but now it has left me forever....I couldn't live any longer....I was so lonely." The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand....sex isn't man's best friend....so get yourself a dog!"

[Alibaba]

Originally Posted by dirty

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...

1. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

2. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

4. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

5. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

6. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

7. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

8. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

9. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell - with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

10. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

11. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

12. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

13. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to
7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

14. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the
past seven years.

15. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the
next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm and the fleas
of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer!

Thanks Again!

hehehe... nice post!


Actually... it is so irritating when you get chain letters... earlier I used to take them seriously and forward them to people... but then I started to get the same mails again and again! Then I stopped sending such letters (also a major part in stopping me from forwarding such mails incessantly was my elder (cousin) brother!) and also told people to not send me such crap... But no... I still get some such messages...

[TerminatorJR]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen.


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit Amen.

[TerminatorJR]

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.


If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless America

[Alibaba]

Originally Posted by TerminatorJR

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen.


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit Amen.

LOL.... hehehehehehehehe

[dhurandhar]

Imagine a dog and a ***** singing this number,

Chura ke dil mera, goriya chali

Hindi Lyrics:
--KUTTA--
Churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali - 2
Udaake haddiyaan kahan tu chali
Paagal hua, deewana hua - 2
Kaisi yeh bhookh hai lagi

--KUTTIYA--
Ho, churaake biscuit tera chali main chali
Mujhe kya pata kahan main chali
Manzil waali gali mein hai tu - 2
Teri gali main chali

--KUTTA--
Oh, churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali

--KUTTIYA--
Churaake biscuit tera chali main chali
Nahin chutiye tum, yeh mujhko khabar hai
Gali ke kutton se magar mujhko darr hai
Nayi maalkeen ki nayi sej par tum
Naya koi biscuit paa to na loge

--KUTTA--
Vafaayein to mujhse bahut tumne ki hai
Magar mere ghar mein biscuit aur bhi hai
Kasam meri khaakar itna bata do
Phirse biscuit choora to na loge
Dheere dheere chori chori, chupke chupke aake mil
aur phir se mat karna tu steal

--KUTTIYA--
Manzil waali gali mein hai tu - 2
Teri gali main chali

--KUTTA--
Churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali

[smellyfinger]

Originally Posted by dhurandhar

Imagine a dog and a ***** singing this number,

Chura ke dil mera, goriya chali

Hindi Lyrics:
--KUTTA--
Churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali - 2
Udaake haddiyaan kahan tu chali
Paagal hua, deewana hua - 2
Kaisi yeh bhookh hai lagi

--KUTTIYA--
Ho, churaake biscuit tera chali main chali
Mujhe kya pata kahan main chali
Manzil waali gali mein hai tu - 2
Teri gali main chali

--KUTTA--
Oh, churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali

--KUTTIYA--
Churaake biscuit tera chali main chali
Nahin chutiye tum, yeh mujhko khabar hai
Gali ke kutton se magar mujhko darr hai
Nayi maalkeen ki nayi sej par tum
Naya koi biscuit paa to na loge

--KUTTA--
Vafaayein to mujhse bahut tumne ki hai
Magar mere ghar mein biscuit aur bhi hai
Kasam meri khaakar itna bata do
Phirse biscuit choora to na loge
Dheere dheere chori chori, chupke chupke aake mil
aur phir se mat karna tu steal

--KUTTIYA--
Manzil waali gali mein hai tu - 2
Teri gali main chali

--KUTTA--
Churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali

Yeh aap ka khud ka kalaam hai?

[dawizard]

Originally Posted by TerminatorJR

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.


If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless America

lol, good one!

[echarcha]

Repeated here to widen the audience

Osama dies and goes to Heaven (surprise surprise).

There he is met by US President George Washington. He hits Osama over his head with a stick and yells - "What have you done to the country that we all worked so hard to build?"

One by one the earlier Presidents start coming out and beat up Osama.

Finally when the beating is over, Osama asks St. Peter -"Is this Heaven? Why were they beating me?"

St. Peter replies - "I told you that you would be met by 72 Virginians"

[Alibaba]

Originally Posted by dhurandhar

Imagine a dog and a ***** singing this number,

Chura ke dil mera, goriya chali

Hindi Lyrics:
--KUTTA--
Churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali - 2
Udaake haddiyaan kahan tu chali
Paagal hua, deewana hua - 2
Kaisi yeh bhookh hai lagi

--KUTTIYA--
Ho, churaake biscuit tera chali main chali
Mujhe kya pata kahan main chali
Manzil waali gali mein hai tu - 2
Teri gali main chali

--KUTTA--
Oh, churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali

--KUTTIYA--
Churaake biscuit tera chali main chali
Nahin chutiye tum, yeh mujhko khabar hai
Gali ke kutton se magar mujhko darr hai
Nayi maalkeen ki nayi sej par tum
Naya koi biscuit paa to na loge

--KUTTA--
Vafaayein to mujhse bahut tumne ki hai
Magar mere ghar mein biscuit aur bhi hai
Kasam meri khaakar itna bata do
Phirse biscuit choora to na loge
Dheere dheere chori chori, chupke chupke aake mil
aur phir se mat karna tu steal

--KUTTIYA--
Manzil waali gali mein hai tu - 2
Teri gali main chali

--KUTTA--
Churaake biscuit mera kuttiya chali

Nice parody..!! But not quite as dumdaar as "aap jaisa koi"..!!

[Alibaba]

Teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is
in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the
principal
what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-
grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, I
think
Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the
principal,
"Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both
agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a
dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I? sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get
me up.
I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The
best man always has me first" (The principal was looking restless
and
bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow
me, you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot
of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
his
ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.

[Alibaba]

A wife is extremely depressed because of her husband's very poor libido! So, she goes to a sexologist and asks for medication. The doctor prescribes some pills. The first day, she gives her husband half a pill... the sex is good! She's happy.. The second day, she gives him a whole pill... The sex is awesome! The third day, she thought she'd do something really wild.. she she gives him the whole bottle. The husband takes them.. The next day, the wife rushes to the doctor and asks for some medication to "deactivate" the effect of the sex enhancing pills.. The doctor asks for the reason.. She says, "So far.. I've been humped thrice, I have had a son... My maid has left the job, my son's anus hurts.. and he's running around in the garden searching for tommy!!"