Jokes

[sgars]

एक महिला एक साँड़ को धी - चुपडी़ रोटियाँ खिला रही थी,
वहां खड़े एक सज्जन को संशय हुआ कि कदाचित् यह महिला, साँड़ को गाय समझ रही है...

सज्जन व्यक्ति - बहन यह साँड़ है गाय नहीं, आप इसे रोटियाँ खिला रही हैं किन्तु यह प्रति दिन गाँव में तीन चार लोगों को सींग मार कर हड्डियाँ तोड़ देता है..!!

महिला - भाईसाहब मुझे पता है कि यह साँड़ है, मेरे पति ओथोॅपेडिक डॉक्टर है, उनका हॉस्पिटल इस साँड़ के कारण ही चलता है...!!

[log1iszero]

What's the difference between a normal politician and Shashi Tharoor?

Normal Politician: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Shashi Tharoor: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

Normal Politician: Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
Shashi Tharoor: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

Normal Politician: All that glitters is not gold.
Shashi Tharoor: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

Normal Politician: Beggars are not choosers.
Shashi Tharoor: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

Normal Politician: Dead men tell no tales.
Shashi Tharoor: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

Normal Politician: Beginner's luck.
Shashi Tharoor: Neophyte's serendipity.

Normal Politician: Birds of a feather flock together.
Shashi Tharoor: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

Normal Politician: Beauty is only skin deep.
Shashi Tharoor: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

Normal Politician: Cleanliness is godliness.
Shashi Tharoor: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

Normal Politician: There's no use crying over spilt milk.
Shashi Tharoor: It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

Normal Politician: You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks.
Shashi Tharoor: It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

Normal Politician: Look before you leap.
Shashi Tharoor: Surveillance should precede saltation.

Normal Politician: He who laughs last, laughs best.
Shashi Tharoor: The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

__________________

[log1iszero]

After sorting through a stack of resumes, the interviewer found four
people who were equally qualified; an American, a Russian, an
Australian and a Gujarati. He decided to call the four in and ask them
only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"

John, the American, replied, "'A Thought.' It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A
thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you Sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm... let me see. "'A Blink!' It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The Blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's Ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the Pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, 'Turning on a Light!'
is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Patel, the guy from India, the 4th and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question.

Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!): "Apter herring da 3 prebius
ansers Sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is, "Diarrhoea!"

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn Sir," said Patel. “You see, Sir, da ader day my
tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum, but before
I could *Think*, *Blink*, or *Turn on the light* I alredi done it!"

Mr. Patel is now the new 'Office Manager' at Walmart in Washington.

[log1iszero]

Bill Gates: "So, How's heaven, Steve?"
Steve Jobs: "Great! It just doesn't have any wall or fence."
Bill Gates: "So...?"
Steve Jobs: "So, we don't need any Windows or Gates. I'm sorry, Bill, I didn't mean to offend you."
Bill Gates: "It's ok Steve, but I heard a rumor."
Steve Jobs: "Oh! What rumor?"
Bill Gates: "That nobody is allowed to touch Apple there, and there are no Jobs in heaven."
Steve Jobs: "Oh, no, definitely there are, but only no-pay Jobs. Therefore definitely no Bill in heaven."

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In Genesis, the Bible says that Adam took Apple without permission and we are still paying for that original sin.

I don't know about Adam but I am still paying for the Apple(s) my wife and kids have.

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