eCharcha.Com   Support eCharcha.Com. Click on sponsor ad to shop online!

Advertise Here

Go Back   eCharcha.Com > Culture > Cultural Exchange

Notices

Cultural Exchange Cultural topics - Indian and other

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old August 30th, 2018, 10:49 PM
echarcha's Avatar
echarcha echarcha is offline
Sutradhar {admin}
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 45,386
echarcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond repute
Post Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Just met a old friend of mine in the Bay Area after many years. After general catching up, he came up with the topic of his younger brother in India.

My friend has only 1 brother, younger to him by 3 years. While my friend studied electrical engineering, his brother was content with doing B.Com and helping his father with the family business - growing fruits.

My friend is from a rural area of Maharashtra and his father has land there, some of it received from his father and a lot of it bought with this own money.

Now, things were smooth all these years. The father was ailing for a couple of years from some disease (let's not get into the specifics) and was sort of house bound. He could no longer tend to his farms and the younger son took full responsibility. My friend sent a lot of money from here to ensure that his father got the best treatment under best doctors in a tier 1 city in Maharashtra which was closer to where he is from. The younger brother did his part of taking his father to the hospital and doctor visits etc and did the minor expenses as required. The major expenses were paid off by my friend.

Well, sounds like a normal family situation... Doesn't it?

Now the father was very ill and he did what most Indians do not do - he called his lawyer friend and asked him to create a will.

Talk to any lawyer and you will find that most Indians hesitate to create wills or proper legal documents to dispense their property, assets, money, etc.

Anyway, the father divided the farm 50-50 between his two sons.

Now here is where the Marathi term 'Bhau Bandki' comes up. It means a fight and disagreement between two real brothers or two first cousins or within two related families over land and property and assets and money.

The younger brother in this case is pissed off at his father and verbally abuses him for giving 50% to his elder brother - my friend.

My friend went to India recently and tried to sort out the matter. He told his father that since he is abroad and is settled here, he does not need the land. So the father changed the will and wrote that the elder son gets at least 25% income from the land and complete ownership of the home where they grew up. My friend tried to dissuade his father but before his father could be dissuaded, the father passed away.

My friend told the younger brother that he did not need that income too.
But now the younger brother is not willing to listen at all. He is saying that my friend should write a court document and give up his right to the income and the home!

Fine, my friend agreed to giving up the income as he felt that his younger brother was working hard in the farms and creating income.

Now it seems that the court process for writing such things as official documents is not easy. The will needs to be first in probate and then this and that and that. I mean, the process is not simplistic.

Also my friend told his brother that he is willing to add his name in the house so that he too feels secure. My friend reasoned that maybe in the future he would like to come to India to retire. Maybe not. But he wanted his name in the home because he feels an emotional attachment to it as he grew up there. Also, he feels that he is giving up everything that is his legally, by Hindu family law, so why not have the house - atleast 50% of it!

My friend had to return back to the USA for his job and told the younger one that he will come after 6 to 8 months and then go ahead with whatever the process is. Till then he advised his younger brother to get all documents etc ready.

But the younger brother now is making claims that 'This is all bullshit. You will go back and then change your mind and all that'.

The younger brother has stopped behaving properly with his own mother and hardly speaks in a normal tone with my friend. He is hell bent on a fight and is making wild allegations.

In short, the relation between two brothers has now soured. The elder one is trying to be reasonable but the younger one is not. To complicate matters, the younger one's wife is adding fuel to the fire.

The entire family is going through a bad Zee TV saas bahu type serial.

Well, this raised a few questions in my mind -
1) Why don't parents make things clear from an early stage?
2) Who is at fault here? My friend? His brother? Their father?
3) Is my friend wrong in claiming an emotional connection to his home and demanding that his name be at least on 50% of the house?

Anyway, just wanted to share this with you and ask your take on it.
__________________
eCharcha.com
-Loud and Proud Desi Opinions
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old August 31st, 2018, 12:22 AM
Ramesh Suresh Ramesh Suresh is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 149
Ramesh Suresh is infamous around these partsRamesh Suresh is infamous around these partsRamesh Suresh is infamous around these partsRamesh Suresh is infamous around these parts
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Is this actually your case?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old August 31st, 2018, 12:52 AM
Bhidubhai's Avatar
Bhidubhai Bhidubhai is offline
Senior eCharchan
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 571
Bhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant futureBhidubhai has a brilliant future
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

I have seen this happen and to some extent experienced it too. So I have given up hope on any rights on any inheritance. To keep things as cool as is possible, the elder one needs to let go of that emotional attachment and let everything be in his bro's name if that is the bone of contention.

I dont know about your friend but years of long distance separation does make bros drift apart emotionally and not understand why one of them does what they do. Wives playing a role in it is very normal. They tend to look after the interests of their own nuclear family more than the guys. The guy cannot overlook their wishes. Old parents facing some heat from the one that lives with them is also natural. Parent-child bonds also weaken over time when there is too much proximity. Far off kid definitely gets more attention and more favorable treatment is what the closer one feels.
__________________
Mangta hai kya kharcha pani
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old August 31st, 2018, 07:44 AM
sarv_shaktimaan's Avatar
sarv_shaktimaan sarv_shaktimaan is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: satva aasmaan
Posts: 16,006
sarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Younger brother is very selfish, in this case I would fight the good fight if I were elder brother. Why can't he buy the 50% share from his elder brother?

Once you're not physically present, people take you for granted and even money you sent may not be acknowledged.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old August 31st, 2018, 08:01 AM
sarv_shaktimaan's Avatar
sarv_shaktimaan sarv_shaktimaan is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: satva aasmaan
Posts: 16,006
sarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond reputesarv_shaktimaan has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

I have an incident to relate between brothers. Elder brother bought the 5 yr old car which his employer company had leased for him (he used it for all the 5 yrs), he paid 4L for it, he decides to let his younger brother have it for 3L. Younger brother says cool, gets the car and pays only 2L saying you used the car for long and may be you got it free from your employer since you're in a senior position.

Makes you think, never do any financial transactions with siblings and relatives?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old August 31st, 2018, 09:50 AM
echarcha's Avatar
echarcha echarcha is offline
Sutradhar {admin}
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 45,386
echarcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramesh Suresh View Post
Is this actually your case?
No asshole!

My father was not a farmer.I do not have a brother. You are a old timer here... so if you do not know that I dont have a brother... what the fuck do you know?


get the fuck off this thread... One more asshole shit from you and I kick you out. Go fuck your self on Facebook or some other social media..

Oh right.. they kicked you out of there too ...bhosadika chutiya
__________________
eCharcha.com
-Loud and Proud Desi Opinions
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old August 31st, 2018, 09:54 AM
echarcha's Avatar
echarcha echarcha is offline
Sutradhar {admin}
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 45,386
echarcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarv_shaktimaan View Post
Younger brother is very selfish, in this case I would fight the good fight if I were elder brother. Why can't he buy the 50% share from his elder brother?

Once you're not physically present, people take you for granted and even money you sent may not be acknowledged.
Long long ago.. just when I had finihsed engineering.. I spent about 3 to 4 months working with a group of brothers who owned a photo equipment processing company. They were 4 real brothers but they ran the business so well and all their personal relations were so good.

The secret? Their father had started the company and then had clearly created 25% share for each. He had told them that whatever happens, each will own 1/4th of the company.

This made it very clear to all that this was it. So they accepted it and worked very well together. No fights, no jealousy, no nothing.

Oh, did I forge to mention that they were a Gujarati family!

I know that many many Gujarati families also have these kinds of issues, but I have seen the most problems in Maharashtrian families. I am sure there are other communities too, but I have only seen stuff in Maharashtrian and Gujarati families.
__________________
eCharcha.com
-Loud and Proud Desi Opinions
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old August 31st, 2018, 09:56 AM
Sane Less's Avatar
Sane Less Sane Less is offline
Dead On Arrival is back
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 17,453
Sane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

I think it is genetic... it is in our genes or it could be the constant barrage of jai-jawan-jai-kisaan... but somewhere along the lines, Indians lose value of money. Don't get me wrong here... everyone knows the value of money... but only as long as it belongs to themselves. The moment it is someone else's money then it is free money... there is no value attached to it. It is a concept, a philosophy that takes some time to understand... but it is hundred-percent true... and very sad. And it may not be limited to Indians only... could be human.

If it is your money... then it is hard-earned, heavily-toiled-for money. If it is someone else's money then it is good enough to be robbed and stolen. No qualms. But the moment you steal (or someway own) the money then it is again hard-earned... why because it is now your money. If someone else steals it then you will kill to get it back... even though you have stolen it in the first place. Why because it is your hard-earned money.

I have seen many partnerships break because the hard-working partner always feels that s/he should be given the lion's share. While the quiet financial backer is someone who is relaxing on his/her sofa and never lifts a finger to help. Never is a value attached to the 100% financial backing provided. Never is a value attached to the free spending because it was never your money. But profits... you want 100% of it... because your toiled for it. And this is also a reason businesses fail... and a country never grows
__________________
-----------------------------------------------

"Hinduism brought a multitude of religions under one roof and survived for eons. Christianity and other religions will need to do the same or perish." - saneless
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old August 31st, 2018, 09:59 AM
Sane Less's Avatar
Sane Less Sane Less is offline
Dead On Arrival is back
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 17,453
Sane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

And yeah, I failed to mention... this particular gene is very-well developed in Maharashtrians (or ghatis as they can be categorized). I have personally seen a ghati count his/her coins 3 or 4 times before shelling them out... but freely spending someone else's coins
__________________
-----------------------------------------------

"Hinduism brought a multitude of religions under one roof and survived for eons. Christianity and other religions will need to do the same or perish." - saneless
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old August 31st, 2018, 09:59 AM
echarcha's Avatar
echarcha echarcha is offline
Sutradhar {admin}
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 45,386
echarcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarv_shaktimaan View Post
I have an incident to relate between brothers. Elder brother bought the 5 yr old car which his employer company had leased for him (he used it for all the 5 yrs), he paid 4L for it, he decides to let his younger brother have it for 3L. Younger brother says cool, gets the car and pays only 2L saying you used the car for long and may be you got it free from your employer since you're in a senior position.

Makes you think, never do any financial transactions with siblings and relatives?
Oh... do you know one more thing? If you are in USA or any other foreign country for earning your living, then most others in the immediate family think that everyday when you you drop dollars from your ass.

One colleague from, now Telangana, was telling me about how things have changed for him. Not with this family but his old college time friends. This colleague came in the late 2000s to the USA and is still in GC proceedings here. He is doing well, but as I said, he does not drop dollars from his ass everytime he

So when he goes back to India his old time friends demand a nice dinner at a fancy place. He does take them out. But there, he pines for his old college time booze brands like Old Monk Rum etc. However his friends all want to order the most expensive drinks and they laugh it off as "Oh its no big deal for you.. It might not be even ve your one hour salary"
The final bill used to be equivalent to 250 to 300 dollars.

Since last two visits, he has made some excuses and called them to his home instead of a fancy place. Only a very few of his friends showed up. Well, that's life.
__________________
eCharcha.com
-Loud and Proud Desi Opinions
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old August 31st, 2018, 10:10 AM
echarcha's Avatar
echarcha echarcha is offline
Sutradhar {admin}
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 45,386
echarcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

I want to write a series of things on many topics.. topics on which I feel I have now firmed up my opinions and thoughts. Things which would be radical or unacceptable in our 'culture'... Well ... some other day but for sure...
__________________
eCharcha.com
-Loud and Proud Desi Opinions
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old August 31st, 2018, 10:25 AM
dirty's Avatar
dirty dirty is offline
Super eCharchan
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: SoCal USA
Posts: 11,409
dirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond reputedirty has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by echarcha View Post
Oh... do you know one more thing? If you are in USA or any other foreign country for earning your living, then most others in the immediate family think that everyday when you you drop dollars from your ass.

One colleague from, now Telangana, was telling me about how things have changed for him. Not with this family but his old college time friends. This colleague came in the late 2000s to the USA and is still in GC proceedings here. He is doing well, but as I said, he does not drop dollars from his ass everytime he

So when he goes back to India his old time friends demand a nice dinner at a fancy place. He does take them out. But there, he pines for his old college time booze brands like Old Monk Rum etc. However his friends all want to order the most expensive drinks and they laugh it off as "Oh its no big deal for you.. It might not be even ve your one hour salary"
The final bill used to be equivalent to 250 to 300 dollars.

Since last two visits, he has made some excuses and called them to his home instead of a fancy place. Only a very few of his friends showed up. Well, that's life.
Knowing fully well IT salaries , green card or no green card, if he cannot afford $300 dinner for his friends in India then he does not deserve friends .
__________________
Fair use is a limitation and exception to the exclusive right granted by copyright law to the author of a creative work. In United States copyright law, fair use is a doctrine that permits limited use of copyrighted material without acquiring permission from the rights holders. Examples of fair use include commentary, criticism, news reporting, research, teaching, library archiving and scholarship. It provides for the legal, unlicensed citation or incorporation of copyrighted material in another author's work under a four-factor balancing test.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old August 31st, 2018, 10:29 AM
echarcha's Avatar
echarcha echarcha is offline
Sutradhar {admin}
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 45,386
echarcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond reputeecharcha has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirty View Post
Knowing fully well IT salaries , green card or no green card, if he cannot afford $300 dinner for his friends in India then he does not deserve friends .
dirty, its not the question of $300.... he says they don't behave like before.. They are all looking at him as if he did a crime by going to the USA and making more than them. They feel they are entitled to his spending.
__________________
eCharcha.com
-Loud and Proud Desi Opinions
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old August 31st, 2018, 10:58 AM
Sane Less's Avatar
Sane Less Sane Less is offline
Dead On Arrival is back
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 17,453
Sane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond reputeSane Less has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by echarcha View Post
dirty, its not the question of $300.... he says they don't behave like before.. They are all looking at him as if he did a crime by going to the USA and making more than them. They feel they are entitled to his spending.
Please read my explanation above for this kind of reasoning. Yes, they feel they are entitled because that is what has been ingrained in their brains since birth.
__________________
-----------------------------------------------

"Hinduism brought a multitude of religions under one roof and survived for eons. Christianity and other religions will need to do the same or perish." - saneless
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old August 31st, 2018, 12:49 PM
AmthaLal's Avatar
AmthaLal AmthaLal is offline
Chaiman Of the Board.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: .
Posts: 10,669
AmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond reputeAmthaLal has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bhau bandki or Feud between brothers

Quote:
Originally Posted by echarcha View Post
Well, this raised a few questions in my mind -
1) Why don't parents make things clear from an early stage?
2) Who is at fault here? My friend? His brother? Their father?
3) Is my friend wrong in claiming an emotional connection to his home and demanding that his name be at least on 50% of the house?

Anyway, just wanted to share this with you and ask your take on it.
Simple answer.

Father is responsible for all the mess up.

He should have cleared everything. But parents from those days still think their siblings are fine and will not fight even though they themselves had fought with their siblings for an acre of land.

PS: This is from my own experience, so dumbasses like RameshSuresh stay away from making any comment unless wants to get banned.
__________________
RIP Swami. You will be missed.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
assets, brothers, courts, family drama, family feud, farms, land, laywer, living will, melodrama, money, probate, property, sour relations


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Topless woman uses bare breasts to stop ATV noise feud echarcha SoapBox 0 June 25th, 2010 01:29 PM
Stephen Colbert reports on Amitabh and Shahrukh feud echarcha Films 7 March 1st, 2007 06:32 AM
New feud between Ambani brothers rameshp Economy 9 February 6th, 2006 03:22 PM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:20 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Site Copyright © eCharcha.Com 2000-2012.