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Friday Special Tickle your funny bone...

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  #1  
Old May 21st, 2010, 05:10 AM
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Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Comebacks for women

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

======================

Dirty things to say in football

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line).

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

1. He's got great hands.

======================

A man went to buy organic vegetables from the market, because his wife had asked him to. Not finding any, he grabbed a tired looking employee at the store and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The tired sales guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

===================

Question. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Answer. Apologize and wipe it off.

==================

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
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  #2  
Old May 21st, 2010, 10:08 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Is this thread only for guruji's jokes or can anyone post jokes here? I found some jokes in my e-mail and will like to share them with you.
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  #3  
Old May 21st, 2010, 10:15 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

if u r guruji's dup, pls start a new thread.

otherwise dont hesitate in posting in this thread itself.

if its a repeat, dont repeat.
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  #4  
Old May 21st, 2010, 10:22 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Thank you. I am not very sure of repeat. I am new and have not read each and every joke that has been posted on echarcha. So by public demand,

------------------------------------------------------

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services
And taught Sunday school every week; on one Sunday
An out of town gentleman acquaintance was sitting right
Behind her He noted what an attractive woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned
Forward and said, "Will you have dinner with me tonight?"

"Yes, that would be nice," she responded.

The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. He picked her up
And took her to one of the finest restaurants in South
Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman asked, "Would
You like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern
Womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School
Class"

The gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say
Much until after dinner; when he pulled out a pack of
Cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face
My Sunday School class if I did?"

The man felt pretty low after that. But as he drove her
Home, they passed a Holiday Inn. He'd been morally
Rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
To lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhhh . . . would you
Like to stop here and we'll get a room for the night?"

"Oh, what would be nice," she said with anticipation. The
Gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn
Right then and there and drove back to the motel and
Checked in

Next morning, after a wild and passionate night, he
Awoke, looked at the lovely lady lying beside him and,
With remorse thought, "What have I done?"

When she awoke he asked her, "What are you going to
Tell your Sunday School class?"

She smiled and said, "The same as I always tell them;
You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:23 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his
knock with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.

He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products
was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how
she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that
question because everyone uses our product and they always
say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the
gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.
Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly
how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:25 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

A man bought a donkey from a priest. The priest told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a priest).

The onlyway to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the priest's instructions.

Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the
mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer .."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.







"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:25 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight.
He goes off to work the next day without talking to
her but she doesn't care. She is busy doing her thing
around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in
the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the
door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy
from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful
bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from
her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't
like roses?"

She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what
this means???"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be
laying on my back with my legs in the air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:25 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

People are posting Novels and big big fat books over here
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:33 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Okay, since people do not like my jokes. One last one,

-------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

-------------------------------
Thought for the day ..... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:36 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Quote:
Originally Posted by swami View Post
People are posting Novels and big big fat books over here
Swami...lets hear some from you now.

@Senapati, they are very nice.
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Old May 21st, 2010, 10:50 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakhi View Post
Swami...lets hear some from you now.

@Senapati, they are very nice.
But promise you will take care of Premi
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Old May 21st, 2010, 01:20 PM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

Quote:
Originally Posted by guruji View Post
Comebacks for women

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showpo...7&postcount=34

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  #13  
Old May 28th, 2010, 05:50 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

======================


102 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

102. Copy from internet, a list of 101 ways to annoy people and post it on echarcha.

.
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  #14  
Old May 29th, 2010, 11:59 AM
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Re: Friday funnies - Guruji Edition

You have heard of High Noon, New Moon, Full Moon, etc.

Now this is High Moon

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