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Old March 9th, 2004, 12:21 PM
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Talking Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."

I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store...I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three.

She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this.

You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now."

You should have seen her face...it went completely blank.

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
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Old March 9th, 2004, 12:28 PM
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Man never writes diaries . Dear diary ! Indeed
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