Rakhi
June 14th, 2011, 11:13 AM
Very disturbing story. Makes me wonder, why do I even complain about little things in life when some people seem to be going through what I really dread, even thinking about it. Read about this tragedy when you have time.
Source: Bangalore Mirror newspaper (http://bangaloremirror.com/article/1/2011061320110613100726218df80d99c/Sweety%E2%80%99s-Diary--How-the-knot-she-tied-took-her-life.html)
Note to Mods: I am pasting the below here because some of my friends coud not open the link. If you think its too long, please feel free to edit this out and just leave the link. Thank you.
Cover Story Sweety’s Diary : How the knot she tied took her life
On June 2, 26-yr-old Asti Shekhar killed herself just three months after her dream marriage to a Wipro techie turned into a nightmare following the revelation of his illicit affair. Asti’s diary which records her travails will be used by the prosecution as evidence in court.
Asti Shekhar, a bubbly, educated, enterprising young woman from Bihar got engaged to Sikandar Abhijeet, also from Bihar but working at Wipro in Bangalore, on Jan 23 this year. Life, as she saw it then, had taken on a rosy hue beyond her wildest imagination – a good-looking, loving husband with a nice job, a new comfortable life in a big city, all the other fruits of happy domesticity, leavened by loads of love, to follow... They got married on Feb 27, and in the next three months all her dreams got shattered. On June 2, she hung herself. Her father filed a criminal complaint against Abhijeet on June 4, and a few days later, the police arrested him on charges of death caused by dowry harassment.
The police have a diary purportedly written by Asti, mostly in Hindi but throughout in English script, and which diligently records her thoughts and feelings ever since she first met Abhijeet to her final hours. The diary will be produced in court as evidence by the prosecution. We reproduce here a slightly abridged version of it:
People mentioned in the diary:
Sikandar Abhijeet (Smartu, Mikku)
Asti Shekhar (Sweety)
Papaji and Mummiji (Abhijeet’s parents)
Papa and Mummy (Asti’s parents)
Shekar (Asti’s brother)
Ramya (Abhijeet’s girlfriend)
Jan 1
Today is New Year and for the first time, instead of wishing you first ‘diary’, I wished my Smartu... You were second this time.
Jan 3
We shopped for 15 saris for the wedding.
Jan 5
I prepared a three-page shopping list for Smartu ... Today Smartu told me about his girlfriends. I thought if I am getting a guy like him, I should adjust with these things. But I have faith in him and I don’t think he will cheat me. I have tied him with my love.
Jan 6
I love my sasural because I’m getting Smartu just because of them. For the first time I told him ‘I love you’.
Jan 7
My day starts with wishing my Smartu, and every day I wish him at 4 am in the morning. He told me today that till the day of our engagement, (Jan 23) I should not message him or call him. He felt that if we speak every day, the excitement and spark would disappear from our relationship. I feel he will not love me. I felt I was unable to create any kind of feelings in him.
Jan 9
I feel he also misses me a lot. He called to say that I should not tell anyone of the condition that he has imposed on me. He told me that he missed me a lot. I think he missed me and I want him to miss me. I want him to start loving me... It’s just the beginning and he will love me.
Jan 10
I didn’t wish him in the morning and I felt guilty. He wished me and spoke to me today. It was romantic. It’s all new to me. He asked me many lovely questions and I felt happy and blushed with delight. I made him happy with my answers. I felt very happy and loved him more when he said we will become good friends before we were married. Today, he told me that another girl had stolen his heart before we met, but there was nothing between them except that he had a soft corner for that girl. I don’t have a problem with this, but I will tease him about it. My in-laws are very good to me. I’m going to sleep now. Smartu...
Jan 14
Today is Makara Sankranti and I wished him. We had good food but I missed him a lot. I was worried about his lunch. I had a feast, but he didn’t have anything special. If I had a chance I would have gone to him and prepared his favourite chavel, dal, aalo ka bhujia, panneer ki sabji and dhania patta ki chatni. My parents and I spoke to him and his parents on this festival day.
Jan 15
Something happened today. He talked strangely to me. He thinks that he does not deserve me and that I’m an invisible frame in front of him. But I know he is best for me and that he is beyond my expectations. My love for him increases every day. But I don’t know what he thinks. But it’s ok. On the 21st he will come here. I long for the 23rd. I can’t wait for that day.
Jan 16
Today Nupurji (Smartu’s sister) came to Patna. Papa went to meet her and gave her Rs 1,00,000. I miss my Smartu.
Jan 18
His mother, I mean Mummiji, called up to tell me to buy a good gift for Nupurji. I told her that I will give her a gift which she will never forget in her life. That sounded rude to her and I immediately apologised. We shopped for things for my engagement and marriage. Papa told me that that we had three more rounds of shopping to do. I am learning a lot nowadays, something new every time. With each passing day, my excitement is growing. My life is taking a new turn. It’s the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It’s titled LOVE.
Jan 20
I packed my bags and travelled to Patna to get ready for the engagement. I spoke to Smartu and we discussed about where we would honeymoon. We haven’t decided yet, but it might be some place in the north-east. I booked the same room in Hotel Mayur where Smartu and I first met. My Smartu is coming to Patna tomorrow and I’m excited.
Jan 21
It was a great day and I was excited to see Smartu... He had a party last night and he asked me to wake him up at 4.30 in the morning. It was a difficult task but I did it and he reached Patna this afternoon. He came to our room. It was the first time I was meeting him after 25 long days. It was a beautiful moment. Then we went to dinner and we continued chatting via SMS...
Jan 22
I messaged him ‘good morning’, but I didn’t get a reply. I applied mehendi on my hands for the engagement... No, it was for my Smartu. People say if I get dark red colour on my hands, it is a good sign. But, I didn’t get the colour I expected. This spoiled my mood. TOMORROW IS THE SPECIAL DAY IN MY LIFE.
Jan 23
Today is the most beautiful day in my life. Today is my engagement with Smartu and I’m getting nervous. Today he woke me up with a love message. I got ready and waited for shagun. The tilak ceremony for Smartu was conducted and then the engagement. We both had dinner and spoke for half an hour. Every one told me I looked beautiful and even Smartu was happy. After he left, I sent him an SMS saying I missed him. It’s over and I’m tired now, but I can’t wait for the day when we will be married.
Jan 25
He was the only thing on my mind and I didn’t want to think of anything else either. He told me he missed me a lot and wanted to spend more time with me. We spoke for two hours. Today I told him how much I love him and also proposed filmi style. He told me he loves me a lot. I don’t have any words to express my feelings and happiness. He gives me all the happiness in my life. A girl wants only love, respect, safety, security, and faith from her husband and my Smartu is giving me all that. I have got the best person in my life. My Mummiji is a sweetheart. Tomorrow, my Smartu will leave for Bangalore. I can’t wait to talk to him. In the evening, my uncle and aunt came with gifts. They pretended to be happy, but inside I knew they were upset because I had consented to marry someone else and not their son, who loves me very much.
Jan 27
I wished him (Smartu) in the morning and he replied romantically. We had a romantic chat early in the morning. Today was his bachelor’s party and he went to Mysore with all his friends. He drank a lot. I didn’t call him as he was drunk. I just had an SMS chat.
Jan 30
Today Papa met Mummiji and I saw the wedding card Smartu’s family has printed. It was nice.
Jan 31
Even after four meetings in his office, he found time for me and spoke to me. I share all things with you, but today something happened which I want to forget. I will not tell you. Because whenever I read it, it would hurt me. I miss Smartu. I want to live my entire life with him happily. In just 27 days, I will be his wife forever. I’m waiting for it.
Feb 1
I was shocked when Mummiji told me that they are unhappy with the behaviour of my parents. It’s because she did not like the clothes we bought for Smartu for our engagement. In future, she wanted us to buy things for Smartu only from Bangalore. She also asked if my parents were giving their daughter things like furniture, cots, mattresses, TV, dressing table etc. Tell me diary, how can I ask Papa for these things. They are selling off Mama’s gold and are struggling with marriage expenses. My parents are on one side and on the other my sasural. What should I do now? I will try to keep both sides happy. Today I fasted for my Smartu.
Feb 4
I got my wedding card today. It’s beautiful, I am happy.
Feb 6
Sorry diary, I was very busy talking to Smartu as he was on leave. We spoke all day and he sent me pictures of our flat in Bangalore. The flat is beautiful and I will be the queen there. I’m excited to be going there.
Feb 8
He woke me up at 4.30 am. And we exchanged naughty messages. I felt I had already become his wife. Smartu did not call me the whole day. I was bored.
Feb 10
We have begun packing for the marriage. Almost 55 bags. We leave now for Patna.
Feb 13
I love singing. I practised today. Smartu and I used to chat the whole night... naughty, romantic love talk. He cared for me a lot. We spoke until midnight. At 12’o’clock we wished each other a happy Valentine’s Day. This is our first Valentine’s Day and we are not together. I told him to come early to Patna, but he said he will come on the 24th. I told him that I will give him a kiss on the lips if he stopped smoking. He agreed, but said I should start it first (the kiss). I agreed because I love him. If he quits his bad habits why should I have any problems with kissing him?
Feb 14
Today is Valentine’s Day. I was bored, as Smartu was busy. Rahul (friend) called me and proposed to me but I scolded him a lot. And I told him if he does it again, I will stop talking to him. He apologised. He was serious, but what the hell yaar. I love my Smartu a lot and cannot even listen to this kind of crap from others. These are sacred words and I only want to hear them from my Smartu. Rahul spoilt my mood today.
Feb 15
Today, I spoke for a long time with Smartu. This morning he went to see his boss’s new born baby. Later, he told me that today he understood the value of a wife and baby in a man’s life. He thanked me as I am going to be his wife and give him a cute baby. I’m desperately waiting for the moment when I will give my Smartu our baby. O God, please grant my wish. Now I want to talk to my Smartu about our future.
Feb 16
Today my Smartu said, ‘I love you’. My morning became beautiful with this. I think my Smartu is a little upset and I know he will not tell me the reason. He still thinks I’m not mature enough to understand his feelings. Smartu will come on the 24th and I miss him. Eight days left to see him and I want the days to go fast.
Feb 17
Shekhar (brother) came and Papa went to meet Smartu’s parents. Papa was very upset after that as Mummiji told him about the furniture and all other household things which Papa will have to give me at the time of marriage. Papa is tense as he has very little money left.
Feb 20
Smartu woke me up today. I forget everything else when I speak to him.
Feb 21
Mummiji has been hospitalised and I’m worried. God please make her well soon. Other marriage tensions still prevail.
Feb 24
Smartu will come to Patna tomorrow and all the rituals will start.
Feb 25
There were a lot of rituals and ceremonies to perform and I did not have the time to speak to Smartu today. We had the mehandi ceremony and this time I got a good colour. I enjoyed the sangeeth.
Feb 26
Smartu surprised me by coming to my house. I was happy to see him and we spent many hours together. I am excited about my wedding.
Feb 28
I became Mikkuji’s dulhan yesterday. I married him yesterday. After that there was the vidayi hogayi. You know diary, for the first time Smartu held my hands. We fell asleep with him holding my hands. When I woke up I saw him beside me and I really did not believe that I was married to him. It all went like a dream.
March 1
I started the day with my Smartu. He was sleeping just beside me. We enjoyed very cosy moments together. We did not sleep almost the whole night. I mean the whole night. I feel great and it’s all new to me. Now I’m not just Sweety, but Mr Sikandar Abhijeeth’s wife. I accept this position with dignity, love and respect, because I love and respect him a lot.
March 2
As promised, I kissed my Smartu on his lips last night. O My God! With this kiss, mene apna Smartu ko aur zyda apnaya and he became mine today. It was our first intimate physical moment and everything went easily. Tomorrow is my vidai and I will leave my house permanently with my Mikkuji. I have a little fear, but am very excited as well. I am very excited to be going to my new house. You will be there with me always, my diary.
March 3
Today is my Smartu’s birthday and I was the first to wish him. Now I’m the bahu of Flat No. 194. I cried a lot at the time of vidai. We celebrated his birthday.
March 4
Nowadays, morning wishes are not messages, but lovely kisses. Everything is going well and I’m feeling happy. My sasural love me lot.
March 5
Today was the reception and it went off well.
March 8
Pappaji and Mummiji are very angry with my parents because my parents have not given them the money to buy a car and the furniture. What can my parents do? They don’t have any money left. I had told Papa I would not get married so soon as we did not have the money. No one listened to me.
March 9
Mummiji took me to the market to buy clothes. She felt that my Papa had not given me good clothes at the time of marriage. I felt bad to be buying new clothes with Mummiji’s money, but still I bought a few clothes. I was angry with my mother as she did not give me good clothes. Tomorrow, I am going to Bangalore with my Mikkuji and after a few days we will leave for our honeymoon to the north-east.
March 11
On the 10th, we reached Bangalore and I felt happy to see my new house. We attended the wedding of Mikkuji’s friend. Many people told me that I looked very nice. Mikku also complimented me. Everything is going well, except for one thing. Deep down inside it hurts me that Mikku and his girlfriend Ramya’s relationship is slowly becoming deeper and stronger. I really don’t know what do and with whom to share my feelings. On the first day we entered the house in Bangalore, Mikkuji told me that I should not use the bed in the house. He said I should not sleep on it, as he had purchased it for Ramya. Everyone knew about his girlfriend, but I did not know because I was madly in love with him. No one told me about this. Even my parents were more bothered about fulfilling their responsibility and did not think of the kind of person I was marrying. I have been blessed, but I’m not fully happy. I cried a lot as my Papa and mother did not even come to say bye when I was leaving. Now, I don’t want to talk to anyone and I’m heading towards depression. There is no one who understands my feelings, my situation or my silence. If I tell anyone about this, it is like I’m killing myself. All my dreams are gone. This artificial smile is for others. No one knows what is going on inside me.
March 12
Mikkuji and I shopped for things for the house. We ordered a new bed and they told us that they will deliver it coming Thursday. Till that day, I should sleep on the carpet as the bed in the house is Ramya’s. We have not gone for our honeymoon nor are we thinking of it. I feel that we will never go on a honeymoon. And I feel Mikku doesn’t want to go with me.
March 13
In the evening, he took me to Chairman’s Club and there he forced me to have a small shot of vodka.
March 18
The way Mummiji treats me is getting worse by the day. I do not understand why she is behaving like this. Today, the new bed was delivered. Mikku took me out, but somehow, I think he was only trying to placate me. Ramya is always in his heart. She has been there from the beginning. Each time he tries to get close to me, we only get further apart. I can only watch him drift away from me. I feel I made a big mistake by marrying him. Neither of us are happy in this marriage.
March 20
We went for long drive to Tumkur. Today is Holi and I called Mummyji to wish her. She spoke properly to me. My first Holi was a crime. All thanks to Papa as he did not bother to check to whom he was giving his daughter. I have a husband in name only. His soul and body belongs to someone else. There is no place for me in his heart and life. Mummyji warned me that if I could not keep her son happy, he would leave me and go away. Imagine! She is warning a girl who is just married. How can I deal with this behaviour? I feel sad and lonely. After all this, I wiped my tears and prepared lunch (rosagulla, mutton, dahi vada).
March 21
This has been a bad day. I do not even know why. I don’t know what Mikkuji told his mother this morning. She called me and scolded me a lot. She asked me if I was a woman. I said ‘yes’ and she asked me why her son felt I was always distant and aloof. Imagine! Doesn’t she know why her son feels like that? Mikku only stays with me, but his heart and soul is with his honey. He does not hear my voice and he does not even look at me. I have tried to make him love me and feel my presence, but it hasn’t worked. Perhaps it’s my mistake. When he told me that he once had a girlfriend, I should have said no to this marriage. I don’t know why I agreed. I should have told my Papa all this at that time. I have destroyed both Mikku’s life and mine. Now I don’t know what will happen and what turn my life will take. How long should I tolerate this? Mummiji abuses me about many things now. I have decided that I will not ask anyone for anything anymore.
March 24
Now, I have a smile on my face. To make me happy, Smartu has finalised our honeymoon. Tomorrow we leave for Ooty and Kodikanal for five days. But the tensions and problems are still there. But I don’t care about these damn problems. To hell with it. I have decided to live my life the way I used to live it... with no boundaries and no mental pressure.
March 30
We returned from the trip. It was ok. Smartu tried to behave normally with me, but he was not his usual self and I can feel what is going on in his mind. He is trying to make me feel that he is doing a lot for me by accepting me and our relationship. But who cares about me? I did not expect these complications after marriage. The tension is killing me. Mummiji says she is punishing herself as she has spoilt her son’s life through this marriage. She says Mikku sacrificed his love life just for her happiness. Why is she feeling all this now? Why didn’t she think of this before our marriage? They are all thinking about themselves, but no one is bothered about how I feel. What wrong have I done? Anyway, I enjoyed the trip because I love travelling. We went boating and visited some lovely places.
March 31
I love cricket and today was India-Pakistan semi-final in World Cup 2011. We defeated Pakistan and we are in the finals against Sri Lanka on Saturday. Rest is ok.
April 2
Yiiipppyy….. India have won the World Cup. What an awesome match it was. It filled me with excitement. All Indians worship cricket and our players proved that they are gods of cricket. They have brought back the World Cup after 23 long years. It is a great day for all Indians. Smartu is totally drunk and it is 1.00 am in the night and he is out of home. I think I my entire life will be like this only.
April 12
How are you my dear diary? Apologies for not contacting you for such a long time. A number of incidents have happened in my life in the last few days. You are my best friend who is always there to listen to me when I’m sad and lonely. So I feel relaxed whenever I talk to you. I thank you for your support. Now I’m fighting with own emotions. I’m all alone now and I feel I need somebody with whom I can share my feelings. Mikku, my Smartu, whom I loved, married and shared my life, all of it has gone waste. I know now that all the dreams I had of staying with him for the rest of my life are shattered. They were broken by God. I am unable to make him happy and it is a shameful thing for any wife. Sometimes I think I should end my life, but this is not a solution to my problems. I don’t know what to do and how to gain a place my husband’s heart. Whenever I see some other happy couple, I feel low. I think how lucky they are and how unlucky I am. This pain is unbearable. I told my parents and brother about Mikku’s affair with Ramya. They were shocked to hear this. They could not believe it. But they have to face this reality and they should know that their daughter has a short life left. Mikku is going to end our relationship in June and he is very serious about it. He plans to settle in Dubai for the rest of his life and for him June is the end of our relationship. He is going to marry Ramya, his love. I never thought that this would be the end of my life.
All the smiles and happiness have disappeared and there is only pressure, tension and sorrow left. My Papa knows that his beloved daughter is in deep pain. He blames himself for this mess. There’s no charm for Smartu in this marriage and he just wants to be free from jail.
This marriage is a punishment for him. No one — not my Papa, mother, Mikku nor his parents – none of them realise that they are punishing only me. Do you know dairy, Mummiji wanted Mikku to marry me because they wanted a cook – Sweety, the cook. Did he not understand my love for him? Did he not see it in my eyes? He only wants my body. Does he not understand my feelings towards him? Will I ever get him to love me? If he doesn’t value our relationship will he leave me forever in June? All these questions go around in my head and I cannot even sleep. Papa had spent Rs 18,00,000 (18 lakh) on my marriage, and is this the end of it? All of them are thinking only about themselves. Mikku’s parents say they did not get a good dowry, TV, A/C, dining set, fridge etc and so they are not happy. Mikku didn’t get his love, so he is not happy. Papa had spent lakhs and not even he is happy now. But what about me and what should I do now?
Mikku now thinks he is already married to Ramya. He married me only because he wanted to keep his parents happy. Mikku loses nothing from this marriage. I’m the only one who is losing my life. My relationship, all my expectations, emotions, and feelings, have gone and there is nobody to give them back to me. I hate this world. Mikku does not even speak to me now. He just answers ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to my questions. Even physically I’m useless to him.
I can’t take all this pain. I can end my life, but I want to see what chances life gives me. I feel good sharing all these things with you dairy. Thanks for listening to me patiently. Every moment I think about doing the things Mikku likes. Why does he not feel anything towards me? Why? Why? I think I am a burden to everyone. No one sees the sorrow I’m feeling. What should I do? Where should I go once Mikku leaves me in June forever?
April 13
There is no charm in life as usual today. I have never lived my life like this. Asti was a name which meant fun, excitement, and happiness. I had the capacity to bring a smile to everyone’s face. Look what has happened to me now. There is no happiness left in life. I want to run away from this unsuccessful life. I feel guilty about my parents and brother. They had expected many more from this marriage. They thought they fulfilled their responsibility. They fixed this marriage with this guy who was my SMARTU, but there is no charm left in this relationship. O God, please save me. Give me strength. Give me a solutions or kill me . Please God save me… Save me… Save me.
April 22
Life is moving at normal speed. Nothing has changed. I never expected life after marriage will become like this. I was a fool who only thought about romance and good things about married life. Things have changed and I only see a big dark hole in front my eyes. Mummiji asked me if I am happy? I said ‘yes’. She told me that I will be happy as I have got all the material things in life. She told me her son was not happy. My unhappiness and sorrow means nothing to her. She doesn’t want to really know whether I’m happy or not. Mikkuji is not bothered about what I feel and he does not even think about me. I don’t want to trouble my parents, so I haven’t told them everything. With whom can I share my feelings? You are the only friend I can share my feelings with. I’m crying now. Yesterday also I cried a lot.
April 24
I’m as usual not happy with life. Today, I did a pregnancy test and it came back negative. There is nothing good that is happening to me. I’m not sure whether to feel sad or not with the result of the test. Mikku looks happy as he has no responsibility to fulfil. He is very happy in his own world with Ramya.
The so-called deadline to end the relationship is June 17. I don’t know how to tell my parents and it’s a waste of time to tell Mummiji. She will not understand my problems and feelings. Now you help me God. I have managed to stop my tears. I’m begging you please show me a way to clear my problems. Every day I cry in front of you God. Please show me the way.
April 26
Diary, today everything went out my hands. Today, I feel I am the poorest and unluckiest girl in this world. I lost my husband completely today. I hoped it would not happen, but it has happened. Today he slept alone in another room and left me alone. Why did this have to happen to me? Is it my mistake to have consented to a marriage which papa fixed? Yes, I think this is the mistake and I’m being punished. I feel I should end my life. The one I married never loved me and today even our beds have been separated. There is nothing left between us. I don’t know how much I will cry today. I will not able to sleep. I’m not even doing anything to end these problems. I will try and do something. At least I know that if I fail, I can at least end my life. I love Mikku a lot. I don’t know when he will understand my love for him.
April 29
Nothing good is happening in my life. I feel like tying a black cloth over my eyes and sleeping every moment. Today Mikku told me to go out of his life forever. He told me that I didn’t deserve him. Marrying me was one big mistake he made in his life. I close for today now. I don’t even feel like crying.
May 2
The last two days were very bad. All are upset now. All are praying to God to get this problem solved. I don’t want to see sorrow or tears in my and Mikku’s family. I am in immense pain. I can’t hurt Mikku. I am his wife and will do whatever he wants. I cannot see tears in his eyes. I am that unlucky and unfortunate wife who saw tears in her husband’s eyes. Yesterday, I pretended that I am ok, but I am not. I am dying with every passing second.I love Mammiji. I have promised Mikku that I will support him unconditionally and love him steadfastly. I will do anything for his happiness. I can leave him forever just to see a smile on his beautiful face. I am ready to face anything. Anyway, I am also not going to live for many more days. After a few days all the problems will be ended. Everything will become as it was four months back. But there will be one change and that is I will be here to see the change. I am waiting for that last moment. Actually I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have any desire to stay here for much longer. I am not as strong as I make out to be. I do not want my family to suffer.
May 3
Diary, nothing is going in my favour. Shekar, my brother, is coming here to see the situation for himself. Had he come before marriage I would not have been in this situation. Today I am living with a person like Mikku, who doesn’t have any feelings for me. Nor does he care about me. He feels giving money to run the house is his only responsibility. Why should I live at all?
May 8
Today my brother came. We had a good time and I spoke to him for hours together. I don’t know if he listened to me. Does he understand his sister’s problems? Perhaps he may show me some way of getting out of this mess. Today I went for an interview, but I was not selected. I don’t know why this is happening to me.
May 9
Mikku is not happy that my brother is here. He didn’t even speak to him. Mikku came home late. Shekar felt insulted. Anyway, Shekhar is my brother and I will take care of him.
May 12
The whole day my brother was moody. He cried a lot and I felt bad seeing him like this. I wasn’t able to give him a gift also.
May 19
Mikku left for Mysore for three days training. It’s just an excuse but I don’t feel bad. It doesn’t make a difference anymore whether he is here or not. I enjoy being left alone these days. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome [a very common condition among young Indian women leading to reduced fertility] problem attacked me again. Need good treatment now.
May 21
I went for all kinds of tests and everything is normal. I still have hope. Mikku was expected this morning but he came only in the evening. I wrote my report and I will go alone for check-ups. I don’t want any help from Mikku. I can look after myself. Thanks Mikku, you have made me emotionless by your attitude and behaviour. I still feel pain when Mikku’s friends’ wives tell me about their after marriage experiences. They are all happy.
May 22
I woke up at 4 am and I couldn’t sleep any more. I have nightmares. If my papa was here, he wouldn’t have left me sleep alone. He would have taken me to his room. But there is no one. Mikku’s parents are coming here on 25th and I’m scared.
May 25
They arrived today. I prepared good food. Mikku is not in a good mood and I don’t know why. Now that Mammiji is here, I hope everything will be settled. I hope my Smartu will again be mine.
May 28
I was very upset yesterday, so I didn’t speak to you, diary. I cried a lot yesterday. Mikku told me that he did not have anything to give to his honey, Ramya not even his name. But Ramya has everything to give him. I am reaching the height of depression. The girl who never cried in her life, now cries every minute and every step. I spoke to an astrologer and he said everything will be sorted out in June. Today, he stopped eating with me. Tomorrow is Ramya’s birthday, but he is tense because he can’t celebrate with her as I’m around. What should I do for this? I will end my life. Sorry, I have to go away from you also diary. But God doesn’t want to see me happy.
June 2
Diary, I am very tired now. I am tired of this bloody life. Bad luck precedes me. I thought I would get that job today and all my problems will go away. But it didn’t happen. Mammiji and Papaji say they will be with me and I am like a daughter to them, but kabtak? At any time, they can also get fed up with me. I can’t go to my parents. I have nothing left, nothing to look forward to. Mummy, your daughter is going away with all respect and dignity. I have in my mind all the culture you taught me and even now your daughter is very pure. I haven’t even thought about another man than Mikku. I don’t know what mistake I committed. Mikku, I am not that bad a girl. I am going away from you and your life, to that place from where one cannot come back even if one wanted to. Now you are a free bird.
But one request: Don’t give any sorrow to your mother. She loves you a lot. Be happy and please marry again. This time marry the girl whom you love because every girl will not be Sweety. Shekar bro, my blessing will be with you always. Now, you don’t have to protect your sister anymore and I will not be a burden to you. Please look after papa and mummy.
Nupurji and Jijaji you tried a lot to make my home happier, now it’s not required. Papa and mummy don’t blame Mikku’s parents. I am responsible for my death. I am fed up with life, so I want to die. No one is responsible for my death except God. I will ask him why he took everything away from me. I love you all. I love you Mikku, you will be ever my SMARTUUU… always.
Rahe na rah ham, mahaka karenge ban ke kale, ban ke sabaa, bhagoo wafah mein……
Aap sab ki
Asti Shekhar (Sweety)
Source: Bangalore Mirror newspaper (http://bangaloremirror.com/article/1/2011061320110613100726218df80d99c/Sweety%E2%80%99s-Diary--How-the-knot-she-tied-took-her-life.html)
Note to Mods: I am pasting the below here because some of my friends coud not open the link. If you think its too long, please feel free to edit this out and just leave the link. Thank you.
Cover Story Sweety’s Diary : How the knot she tied took her life
On June 2, 26-yr-old Asti Shekhar killed herself just three months after her dream marriage to a Wipro techie turned into a nightmare following the revelation of his illicit affair. Asti’s diary which records her travails will be used by the prosecution as evidence in court.
Asti Shekhar, a bubbly, educated, enterprising young woman from Bihar got engaged to Sikandar Abhijeet, also from Bihar but working at Wipro in Bangalore, on Jan 23 this year. Life, as she saw it then, had taken on a rosy hue beyond her wildest imagination – a good-looking, loving husband with a nice job, a new comfortable life in a big city, all the other fruits of happy domesticity, leavened by loads of love, to follow... They got married on Feb 27, and in the next three months all her dreams got shattered. On June 2, she hung herself. Her father filed a criminal complaint against Abhijeet on June 4, and a few days later, the police arrested him on charges of death caused by dowry harassment.
The police have a diary purportedly written by Asti, mostly in Hindi but throughout in English script, and which diligently records her thoughts and feelings ever since she first met Abhijeet to her final hours. The diary will be produced in court as evidence by the prosecution. We reproduce here a slightly abridged version of it:
People mentioned in the diary:
Sikandar Abhijeet (Smartu, Mikku)
Asti Shekhar (Sweety)
Papaji and Mummiji (Abhijeet’s parents)
Papa and Mummy (Asti’s parents)
Shekar (Asti’s brother)
Ramya (Abhijeet’s girlfriend)
Jan 1
Today is New Year and for the first time, instead of wishing you first ‘diary’, I wished my Smartu... You were second this time.
Jan 3
We shopped for 15 saris for the wedding.
Jan 5
I prepared a three-page shopping list for Smartu ... Today Smartu told me about his girlfriends. I thought if I am getting a guy like him, I should adjust with these things. But I have faith in him and I don’t think he will cheat me. I have tied him with my love.
Jan 6
I love my sasural because I’m getting Smartu just because of them. For the first time I told him ‘I love you’.
Jan 7
My day starts with wishing my Smartu, and every day I wish him at 4 am in the morning. He told me today that till the day of our engagement, (Jan 23) I should not message him or call him. He felt that if we speak every day, the excitement and spark would disappear from our relationship. I feel he will not love me. I felt I was unable to create any kind of feelings in him.
Jan 9
I feel he also misses me a lot. He called to say that I should not tell anyone of the condition that he has imposed on me. He told me that he missed me a lot. I think he missed me and I want him to miss me. I want him to start loving me... It’s just the beginning and he will love me.
Jan 10
I didn’t wish him in the morning and I felt guilty. He wished me and spoke to me today. It was romantic. It’s all new to me. He asked me many lovely questions and I felt happy and blushed with delight. I made him happy with my answers. I felt very happy and loved him more when he said we will become good friends before we were married. Today, he told me that another girl had stolen his heart before we met, but there was nothing between them except that he had a soft corner for that girl. I don’t have a problem with this, but I will tease him about it. My in-laws are very good to me. I’m going to sleep now. Smartu...
Jan 14
Today is Makara Sankranti and I wished him. We had good food but I missed him a lot. I was worried about his lunch. I had a feast, but he didn’t have anything special. If I had a chance I would have gone to him and prepared his favourite chavel, dal, aalo ka bhujia, panneer ki sabji and dhania patta ki chatni. My parents and I spoke to him and his parents on this festival day.
Jan 15
Something happened today. He talked strangely to me. He thinks that he does not deserve me and that I’m an invisible frame in front of him. But I know he is best for me and that he is beyond my expectations. My love for him increases every day. But I don’t know what he thinks. But it’s ok. On the 21st he will come here. I long for the 23rd. I can’t wait for that day.
Jan 16
Today Nupurji (Smartu’s sister) came to Patna. Papa went to meet her and gave her Rs 1,00,000. I miss my Smartu.
Jan 18
His mother, I mean Mummiji, called up to tell me to buy a good gift for Nupurji. I told her that I will give her a gift which she will never forget in her life. That sounded rude to her and I immediately apologised. We shopped for things for my engagement and marriage. Papa told me that that we had three more rounds of shopping to do. I am learning a lot nowadays, something new every time. With each passing day, my excitement is growing. My life is taking a new turn. It’s the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It’s titled LOVE.
Jan 20
I packed my bags and travelled to Patna to get ready for the engagement. I spoke to Smartu and we discussed about where we would honeymoon. We haven’t decided yet, but it might be some place in the north-east. I booked the same room in Hotel Mayur where Smartu and I first met. My Smartu is coming to Patna tomorrow and I’m excited.
Jan 21
It was a great day and I was excited to see Smartu... He had a party last night and he asked me to wake him up at 4.30 in the morning. It was a difficult task but I did it and he reached Patna this afternoon. He came to our room. It was the first time I was meeting him after 25 long days. It was a beautiful moment. Then we went to dinner and we continued chatting via SMS...
Jan 22
I messaged him ‘good morning’, but I didn’t get a reply. I applied mehendi on my hands for the engagement... No, it was for my Smartu. People say if I get dark red colour on my hands, it is a good sign. But, I didn’t get the colour I expected. This spoiled my mood. TOMORROW IS THE SPECIAL DAY IN MY LIFE.
Jan 23
Today is the most beautiful day in my life. Today is my engagement with Smartu and I’m getting nervous. Today he woke me up with a love message. I got ready and waited for shagun. The tilak ceremony for Smartu was conducted and then the engagement. We both had dinner and spoke for half an hour. Every one told me I looked beautiful and even Smartu was happy. After he left, I sent him an SMS saying I missed him. It’s over and I’m tired now, but I can’t wait for the day when we will be married.
Jan 25
He was the only thing on my mind and I didn’t want to think of anything else either. He told me he missed me a lot and wanted to spend more time with me. We spoke for two hours. Today I told him how much I love him and also proposed filmi style. He told me he loves me a lot. I don’t have any words to express my feelings and happiness. He gives me all the happiness in my life. A girl wants only love, respect, safety, security, and faith from her husband and my Smartu is giving me all that. I have got the best person in my life. My Mummiji is a sweetheart. Tomorrow, my Smartu will leave for Bangalore. I can’t wait to talk to him. In the evening, my uncle and aunt came with gifts. They pretended to be happy, but inside I knew they were upset because I had consented to marry someone else and not their son, who loves me very much.
Jan 27
I wished him (Smartu) in the morning and he replied romantically. We had a romantic chat early in the morning. Today was his bachelor’s party and he went to Mysore with all his friends. He drank a lot. I didn’t call him as he was drunk. I just had an SMS chat.
Jan 30
Today Papa met Mummiji and I saw the wedding card Smartu’s family has printed. It was nice.
Jan 31
Even after four meetings in his office, he found time for me and spoke to me. I share all things with you, but today something happened which I want to forget. I will not tell you. Because whenever I read it, it would hurt me. I miss Smartu. I want to live my entire life with him happily. In just 27 days, I will be his wife forever. I’m waiting for it.
Feb 1
I was shocked when Mummiji told me that they are unhappy with the behaviour of my parents. It’s because she did not like the clothes we bought for Smartu for our engagement. In future, she wanted us to buy things for Smartu only from Bangalore. She also asked if my parents were giving their daughter things like furniture, cots, mattresses, TV, dressing table etc. Tell me diary, how can I ask Papa for these things. They are selling off Mama’s gold and are struggling with marriage expenses. My parents are on one side and on the other my sasural. What should I do now? I will try to keep both sides happy. Today I fasted for my Smartu.
Feb 4
I got my wedding card today. It’s beautiful, I am happy.
Feb 6
Sorry diary, I was very busy talking to Smartu as he was on leave. We spoke all day and he sent me pictures of our flat in Bangalore. The flat is beautiful and I will be the queen there. I’m excited to be going there.
Feb 8
He woke me up at 4.30 am. And we exchanged naughty messages. I felt I had already become his wife. Smartu did not call me the whole day. I was bored.
Feb 10
We have begun packing for the marriage. Almost 55 bags. We leave now for Patna.
Feb 13
I love singing. I practised today. Smartu and I used to chat the whole night... naughty, romantic love talk. He cared for me a lot. We spoke until midnight. At 12’o’clock we wished each other a happy Valentine’s Day. This is our first Valentine’s Day and we are not together. I told him to come early to Patna, but he said he will come on the 24th. I told him that I will give him a kiss on the lips if he stopped smoking. He agreed, but said I should start it first (the kiss). I agreed because I love him. If he quits his bad habits why should I have any problems with kissing him?
Feb 14
Today is Valentine’s Day. I was bored, as Smartu was busy. Rahul (friend) called me and proposed to me but I scolded him a lot. And I told him if he does it again, I will stop talking to him. He apologised. He was serious, but what the hell yaar. I love my Smartu a lot and cannot even listen to this kind of crap from others. These are sacred words and I only want to hear them from my Smartu. Rahul spoilt my mood today.
Feb 15
Today, I spoke for a long time with Smartu. This morning he went to see his boss’s new born baby. Later, he told me that today he understood the value of a wife and baby in a man’s life. He thanked me as I am going to be his wife and give him a cute baby. I’m desperately waiting for the moment when I will give my Smartu our baby. O God, please grant my wish. Now I want to talk to my Smartu about our future.
Feb 16
Today my Smartu said, ‘I love you’. My morning became beautiful with this. I think my Smartu is a little upset and I know he will not tell me the reason. He still thinks I’m not mature enough to understand his feelings. Smartu will come on the 24th and I miss him. Eight days left to see him and I want the days to go fast.
Feb 17
Shekhar (brother) came and Papa went to meet Smartu’s parents. Papa was very upset after that as Mummiji told him about the furniture and all other household things which Papa will have to give me at the time of marriage. Papa is tense as he has very little money left.
Feb 20
Smartu woke me up today. I forget everything else when I speak to him.
Feb 21
Mummiji has been hospitalised and I’m worried. God please make her well soon. Other marriage tensions still prevail.
Feb 24
Smartu will come to Patna tomorrow and all the rituals will start.
Feb 25
There were a lot of rituals and ceremonies to perform and I did not have the time to speak to Smartu today. We had the mehandi ceremony and this time I got a good colour. I enjoyed the sangeeth.
Feb 26
Smartu surprised me by coming to my house. I was happy to see him and we spent many hours together. I am excited about my wedding.
Feb 28
I became Mikkuji’s dulhan yesterday. I married him yesterday. After that there was the vidayi hogayi. You know diary, for the first time Smartu held my hands. We fell asleep with him holding my hands. When I woke up I saw him beside me and I really did not believe that I was married to him. It all went like a dream.
March 1
I started the day with my Smartu. He was sleeping just beside me. We enjoyed very cosy moments together. We did not sleep almost the whole night. I mean the whole night. I feel great and it’s all new to me. Now I’m not just Sweety, but Mr Sikandar Abhijeeth’s wife. I accept this position with dignity, love and respect, because I love and respect him a lot.
March 2
As promised, I kissed my Smartu on his lips last night. O My God! With this kiss, mene apna Smartu ko aur zyda apnaya and he became mine today. It was our first intimate physical moment and everything went easily. Tomorrow is my vidai and I will leave my house permanently with my Mikkuji. I have a little fear, but am very excited as well. I am very excited to be going to my new house. You will be there with me always, my diary.
March 3
Today is my Smartu’s birthday and I was the first to wish him. Now I’m the bahu of Flat No. 194. I cried a lot at the time of vidai. We celebrated his birthday.
March 4
Nowadays, morning wishes are not messages, but lovely kisses. Everything is going well and I’m feeling happy. My sasural love me lot.
March 5
Today was the reception and it went off well.
March 8
Pappaji and Mummiji are very angry with my parents because my parents have not given them the money to buy a car and the furniture. What can my parents do? They don’t have any money left. I had told Papa I would not get married so soon as we did not have the money. No one listened to me.
March 9
Mummiji took me to the market to buy clothes. She felt that my Papa had not given me good clothes at the time of marriage. I felt bad to be buying new clothes with Mummiji’s money, but still I bought a few clothes. I was angry with my mother as she did not give me good clothes. Tomorrow, I am going to Bangalore with my Mikkuji and after a few days we will leave for our honeymoon to the north-east.
March 11
On the 10th, we reached Bangalore and I felt happy to see my new house. We attended the wedding of Mikkuji’s friend. Many people told me that I looked very nice. Mikku also complimented me. Everything is going well, except for one thing. Deep down inside it hurts me that Mikku and his girlfriend Ramya’s relationship is slowly becoming deeper and stronger. I really don’t know what do and with whom to share my feelings. On the first day we entered the house in Bangalore, Mikkuji told me that I should not use the bed in the house. He said I should not sleep on it, as he had purchased it for Ramya. Everyone knew about his girlfriend, but I did not know because I was madly in love with him. No one told me about this. Even my parents were more bothered about fulfilling their responsibility and did not think of the kind of person I was marrying. I have been blessed, but I’m not fully happy. I cried a lot as my Papa and mother did not even come to say bye when I was leaving. Now, I don’t want to talk to anyone and I’m heading towards depression. There is no one who understands my feelings, my situation or my silence. If I tell anyone about this, it is like I’m killing myself. All my dreams are gone. This artificial smile is for others. No one knows what is going on inside me.
March 12
Mikkuji and I shopped for things for the house. We ordered a new bed and they told us that they will deliver it coming Thursday. Till that day, I should sleep on the carpet as the bed in the house is Ramya’s. We have not gone for our honeymoon nor are we thinking of it. I feel that we will never go on a honeymoon. And I feel Mikku doesn’t want to go with me.
March 13
In the evening, he took me to Chairman’s Club and there he forced me to have a small shot of vodka.
March 18
The way Mummiji treats me is getting worse by the day. I do not understand why she is behaving like this. Today, the new bed was delivered. Mikku took me out, but somehow, I think he was only trying to placate me. Ramya is always in his heart. She has been there from the beginning. Each time he tries to get close to me, we only get further apart. I can only watch him drift away from me. I feel I made a big mistake by marrying him. Neither of us are happy in this marriage.
March 20
We went for long drive to Tumkur. Today is Holi and I called Mummyji to wish her. She spoke properly to me. My first Holi was a crime. All thanks to Papa as he did not bother to check to whom he was giving his daughter. I have a husband in name only. His soul and body belongs to someone else. There is no place for me in his heart and life. Mummyji warned me that if I could not keep her son happy, he would leave me and go away. Imagine! She is warning a girl who is just married. How can I deal with this behaviour? I feel sad and lonely. After all this, I wiped my tears and prepared lunch (rosagulla, mutton, dahi vada).
March 21
This has been a bad day. I do not even know why. I don’t know what Mikkuji told his mother this morning. She called me and scolded me a lot. She asked me if I was a woman. I said ‘yes’ and she asked me why her son felt I was always distant and aloof. Imagine! Doesn’t she know why her son feels like that? Mikku only stays with me, but his heart and soul is with his honey. He does not hear my voice and he does not even look at me. I have tried to make him love me and feel my presence, but it hasn’t worked. Perhaps it’s my mistake. When he told me that he once had a girlfriend, I should have said no to this marriage. I don’t know why I agreed. I should have told my Papa all this at that time. I have destroyed both Mikku’s life and mine. Now I don’t know what will happen and what turn my life will take. How long should I tolerate this? Mummiji abuses me about many things now. I have decided that I will not ask anyone for anything anymore.
March 24
Now, I have a smile on my face. To make me happy, Smartu has finalised our honeymoon. Tomorrow we leave for Ooty and Kodikanal for five days. But the tensions and problems are still there. But I don’t care about these damn problems. To hell with it. I have decided to live my life the way I used to live it... with no boundaries and no mental pressure.
March 30
We returned from the trip. It was ok. Smartu tried to behave normally with me, but he was not his usual self and I can feel what is going on in his mind. He is trying to make me feel that he is doing a lot for me by accepting me and our relationship. But who cares about me? I did not expect these complications after marriage. The tension is killing me. Mummiji says she is punishing herself as she has spoilt her son’s life through this marriage. She says Mikku sacrificed his love life just for her happiness. Why is she feeling all this now? Why didn’t she think of this before our marriage? They are all thinking about themselves, but no one is bothered about how I feel. What wrong have I done? Anyway, I enjoyed the trip because I love travelling. We went boating and visited some lovely places.
March 31
I love cricket and today was India-Pakistan semi-final in World Cup 2011. We defeated Pakistan and we are in the finals against Sri Lanka on Saturday. Rest is ok.
April 2
Yiiipppyy….. India have won the World Cup. What an awesome match it was. It filled me with excitement. All Indians worship cricket and our players proved that they are gods of cricket. They have brought back the World Cup after 23 long years. It is a great day for all Indians. Smartu is totally drunk and it is 1.00 am in the night and he is out of home. I think I my entire life will be like this only.
April 12
How are you my dear diary? Apologies for not contacting you for such a long time. A number of incidents have happened in my life in the last few days. You are my best friend who is always there to listen to me when I’m sad and lonely. So I feel relaxed whenever I talk to you. I thank you for your support. Now I’m fighting with own emotions. I’m all alone now and I feel I need somebody with whom I can share my feelings. Mikku, my Smartu, whom I loved, married and shared my life, all of it has gone waste. I know now that all the dreams I had of staying with him for the rest of my life are shattered. They were broken by God. I am unable to make him happy and it is a shameful thing for any wife. Sometimes I think I should end my life, but this is not a solution to my problems. I don’t know what to do and how to gain a place my husband’s heart. Whenever I see some other happy couple, I feel low. I think how lucky they are and how unlucky I am. This pain is unbearable. I told my parents and brother about Mikku’s affair with Ramya. They were shocked to hear this. They could not believe it. But they have to face this reality and they should know that their daughter has a short life left. Mikku is going to end our relationship in June and he is very serious about it. He plans to settle in Dubai for the rest of his life and for him June is the end of our relationship. He is going to marry Ramya, his love. I never thought that this would be the end of my life.
All the smiles and happiness have disappeared and there is only pressure, tension and sorrow left. My Papa knows that his beloved daughter is in deep pain. He blames himself for this mess. There’s no charm for Smartu in this marriage and he just wants to be free from jail.
This marriage is a punishment for him. No one — not my Papa, mother, Mikku nor his parents – none of them realise that they are punishing only me. Do you know dairy, Mummiji wanted Mikku to marry me because they wanted a cook – Sweety, the cook. Did he not understand my love for him? Did he not see it in my eyes? He only wants my body. Does he not understand my feelings towards him? Will I ever get him to love me? If he doesn’t value our relationship will he leave me forever in June? All these questions go around in my head and I cannot even sleep. Papa had spent Rs 18,00,000 (18 lakh) on my marriage, and is this the end of it? All of them are thinking only about themselves. Mikku’s parents say they did not get a good dowry, TV, A/C, dining set, fridge etc and so they are not happy. Mikku didn’t get his love, so he is not happy. Papa had spent lakhs and not even he is happy now. But what about me and what should I do now?
Mikku now thinks he is already married to Ramya. He married me only because he wanted to keep his parents happy. Mikku loses nothing from this marriage. I’m the only one who is losing my life. My relationship, all my expectations, emotions, and feelings, have gone and there is nobody to give them back to me. I hate this world. Mikku does not even speak to me now. He just answers ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to my questions. Even physically I’m useless to him.
I can’t take all this pain. I can end my life, but I want to see what chances life gives me. I feel good sharing all these things with you dairy. Thanks for listening to me patiently. Every moment I think about doing the things Mikku likes. Why does he not feel anything towards me? Why? Why? I think I am a burden to everyone. No one sees the sorrow I’m feeling. What should I do? Where should I go once Mikku leaves me in June forever?
April 13
There is no charm in life as usual today. I have never lived my life like this. Asti was a name which meant fun, excitement, and happiness. I had the capacity to bring a smile to everyone’s face. Look what has happened to me now. There is no happiness left in life. I want to run away from this unsuccessful life. I feel guilty about my parents and brother. They had expected many more from this marriage. They thought they fulfilled their responsibility. They fixed this marriage with this guy who was my SMARTU, but there is no charm left in this relationship. O God, please save me. Give me strength. Give me a solutions or kill me . Please God save me… Save me… Save me.
April 22
Life is moving at normal speed. Nothing has changed. I never expected life after marriage will become like this. I was a fool who only thought about romance and good things about married life. Things have changed and I only see a big dark hole in front my eyes. Mummiji asked me if I am happy? I said ‘yes’. She told me that I will be happy as I have got all the material things in life. She told me her son was not happy. My unhappiness and sorrow means nothing to her. She doesn’t want to really know whether I’m happy or not. Mikkuji is not bothered about what I feel and he does not even think about me. I don’t want to trouble my parents, so I haven’t told them everything. With whom can I share my feelings? You are the only friend I can share my feelings with. I’m crying now. Yesterday also I cried a lot.
April 24
I’m as usual not happy with life. Today, I did a pregnancy test and it came back negative. There is nothing good that is happening to me. I’m not sure whether to feel sad or not with the result of the test. Mikku looks happy as he has no responsibility to fulfil. He is very happy in his own world with Ramya.
The so-called deadline to end the relationship is June 17. I don’t know how to tell my parents and it’s a waste of time to tell Mummiji. She will not understand my problems and feelings. Now you help me God. I have managed to stop my tears. I’m begging you please show me a way to clear my problems. Every day I cry in front of you God. Please show me the way.
April 26
Diary, today everything went out my hands. Today, I feel I am the poorest and unluckiest girl in this world. I lost my husband completely today. I hoped it would not happen, but it has happened. Today he slept alone in another room and left me alone. Why did this have to happen to me? Is it my mistake to have consented to a marriage which papa fixed? Yes, I think this is the mistake and I’m being punished. I feel I should end my life. The one I married never loved me and today even our beds have been separated. There is nothing left between us. I don’t know how much I will cry today. I will not able to sleep. I’m not even doing anything to end these problems. I will try and do something. At least I know that if I fail, I can at least end my life. I love Mikku a lot. I don’t know when he will understand my love for him.
April 29
Nothing good is happening in my life. I feel like tying a black cloth over my eyes and sleeping every moment. Today Mikku told me to go out of his life forever. He told me that I didn’t deserve him. Marrying me was one big mistake he made in his life. I close for today now. I don’t even feel like crying.
May 2
The last two days were very bad. All are upset now. All are praying to God to get this problem solved. I don’t want to see sorrow or tears in my and Mikku’s family. I am in immense pain. I can’t hurt Mikku. I am his wife and will do whatever he wants. I cannot see tears in his eyes. I am that unlucky and unfortunate wife who saw tears in her husband’s eyes. Yesterday, I pretended that I am ok, but I am not. I am dying with every passing second.I love Mammiji. I have promised Mikku that I will support him unconditionally and love him steadfastly. I will do anything for his happiness. I can leave him forever just to see a smile on his beautiful face. I am ready to face anything. Anyway, I am also not going to live for many more days. After a few days all the problems will be ended. Everything will become as it was four months back. But there will be one change and that is I will be here to see the change. I am waiting for that last moment. Actually I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have any desire to stay here for much longer. I am not as strong as I make out to be. I do not want my family to suffer.
May 3
Diary, nothing is going in my favour. Shekar, my brother, is coming here to see the situation for himself. Had he come before marriage I would not have been in this situation. Today I am living with a person like Mikku, who doesn’t have any feelings for me. Nor does he care about me. He feels giving money to run the house is his only responsibility. Why should I live at all?
May 8
Today my brother came. We had a good time and I spoke to him for hours together. I don’t know if he listened to me. Does he understand his sister’s problems? Perhaps he may show me some way of getting out of this mess. Today I went for an interview, but I was not selected. I don’t know why this is happening to me.
May 9
Mikku is not happy that my brother is here. He didn’t even speak to him. Mikku came home late. Shekar felt insulted. Anyway, Shekhar is my brother and I will take care of him.
May 12
The whole day my brother was moody. He cried a lot and I felt bad seeing him like this. I wasn’t able to give him a gift also.
May 19
Mikku left for Mysore for three days training. It’s just an excuse but I don’t feel bad. It doesn’t make a difference anymore whether he is here or not. I enjoy being left alone these days. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome [a very common condition among young Indian women leading to reduced fertility] problem attacked me again. Need good treatment now.
May 21
I went for all kinds of tests and everything is normal. I still have hope. Mikku was expected this morning but he came only in the evening. I wrote my report and I will go alone for check-ups. I don’t want any help from Mikku. I can look after myself. Thanks Mikku, you have made me emotionless by your attitude and behaviour. I still feel pain when Mikku’s friends’ wives tell me about their after marriage experiences. They are all happy.
May 22
I woke up at 4 am and I couldn’t sleep any more. I have nightmares. If my papa was here, he wouldn’t have left me sleep alone. He would have taken me to his room. But there is no one. Mikku’s parents are coming here on 25th and I’m scared.
May 25
They arrived today. I prepared good food. Mikku is not in a good mood and I don’t know why. Now that Mammiji is here, I hope everything will be settled. I hope my Smartu will again be mine.
May 28
I was very upset yesterday, so I didn’t speak to you, diary. I cried a lot yesterday. Mikku told me that he did not have anything to give to his honey, Ramya not even his name. But Ramya has everything to give him. I am reaching the height of depression. The girl who never cried in her life, now cries every minute and every step. I spoke to an astrologer and he said everything will be sorted out in June. Today, he stopped eating with me. Tomorrow is Ramya’s birthday, but he is tense because he can’t celebrate with her as I’m around. What should I do for this? I will end my life. Sorry, I have to go away from you also diary. But God doesn’t want to see me happy.
June 2
Diary, I am very tired now. I am tired of this bloody life. Bad luck precedes me. I thought I would get that job today and all my problems will go away. But it didn’t happen. Mammiji and Papaji say they will be with me and I am like a daughter to them, but kabtak? At any time, they can also get fed up with me. I can’t go to my parents. I have nothing left, nothing to look forward to. Mummy, your daughter is going away with all respect and dignity. I have in my mind all the culture you taught me and even now your daughter is very pure. I haven’t even thought about another man than Mikku. I don’t know what mistake I committed. Mikku, I am not that bad a girl. I am going away from you and your life, to that place from where one cannot come back even if one wanted to. Now you are a free bird.
But one request: Don’t give any sorrow to your mother. She loves you a lot. Be happy and please marry again. This time marry the girl whom you love because every girl will not be Sweety. Shekar bro, my blessing will be with you always. Now, you don’t have to protect your sister anymore and I will not be a burden to you. Please look after papa and mummy.
Nupurji and Jijaji you tried a lot to make my home happier, now it’s not required. Papa and mummy don’t blame Mikku’s parents. I am responsible for my death. I am fed up with life, so I want to die. No one is responsible for my death except God. I will ask him why he took everything away from me. I love you all. I love you Mikku, you will be ever my SMARTUUU… always.
Rahe na rah ham, mahaka karenge ban ke kale, ban ke sabaa, bhagoo wafah mein……
Aap sab ki
Asti Shekhar (Sweety)