Is it possible to share happiness/sadness?

[ALBERT PINTO]

While attending funerals; is it possible to be really sad in somebody’s moment of sadness? Is it possible to feel someone else’s sadness in same depth and intensity? Or is it that we put a sad face but deep down think, thank god, it didn’t happen to me.

If the above question is too dark, let me put in another situation - Suppose you have a friend who is deep in debts and managing to live barely on pay check to pay check. You sympathize with him on his financial condition, even offer some help financially. You also pray for him. You might even offer special prayers at some “all gets done/well” shrine while in India. Few days later you hear that very same friend hit a multi million dollar jackpot in a lottery. You are supposed to have or express boundless happiness on his bounty. But deep down, are you?

[pakkidost]

NO I wont... and I dont think I am kind of person who can share anyone's sadness or happiness the way you asked.

In first case I will be sad, but don't think will be disturbed or can feel someone else's sadness in same depth and intensity. And I think no one can. Wont be relaxed that it was not me or someone near and dear to me may be... but not deeply weeply sad either.

And in second case I will die of jealousy. Will ask God till my death ki deni hi thi to itni hi lottery dete na so that he/she would have been out of his/her debt and would have been doing well now. Why you gave him/her multi million dollar jackpot and NOT ME?

So for me NO! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO SHARE HAPPINESS OR SADNESS with the same sincerity and depth as a person going through those emotions.

So what does that make me? A devil? Or may be a very practical and down to earth person?

[kkkk]

NO I wont... and I dont think I am kind of person who can share anyone's sadness or happiness the way you asked.

In first case I will be sad, but don't think will be disturbed or can feel someone else's sadness in same depth and intensity. And I think no one can. Wont be relaxed that it was not me or someone near and dear to me may be... but not deeply weeply sad either.

And in second case I will die of jealousy. Will ask God till my death ki deni hi thi to itni hi lottery dete na so that he/she would have been out of his/her debt and would have been doing well now. Why you gave him/her multi million dollar jackpot and NOT ME?

So for me NO! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO SHARE HAPPINESS OR SADNESS with the same sincerity and depth as a person going through those emotions.

So what does that make me? A devil? Or may be a very practical and down to earth person?

did you watch these movies -
Taare Zameen Par
Anjali
?

Did you at anytime in the duration that you were watching these movies shed tears?

[kkkk]

While attending funerals; is it possible to be really sad in somebody’s moment of sadness? Is it possible to feel someone else’s sadness in same depth and intensity? Or is it that we put a sad face but deep down think, thank god, it didn’t happen to me.

If the above question is too dark, let me put in another situation - Suppose you have a friend who is deep in debts and managing to live barely on pay check to pay check. You sympathize with him on his financial condition, even offer some help financially. You also pray for him. You might even offer special prayers at some “all gets done/well” shrine while in India. Few days later you hear that very same friend hit a multi million dollar jackpot in a lottery. You are supposed to have or express boundless happiness on his bounty. But deep down, are you?

ofcourse it is possible. For how long, is the real question.

[pakkidost]

did you watch these movies -
Taare Zameen Par
Anjali
?

Did you at anytime in the duration that you were watching these movies shed tears?

So shedding tears over a scene of movie = how a person will react in real life scenario? What kind of logic is that?:confused:

That way every person coming out of Rang de Basanti should kill a Minister each....:dontknow:

[Rakhi]

While attending funerals; is it possible to be really sad in somebody’s moment of sadness? Is it possible to feel someone else’s sadness in same depth and intensity? Or is it that we put a sad face but deep down think, thank god, it didn’t happen to me.

If the above question is too dark, let me put in another situation - Suppose you have a friend who is deep in debts and managing to live barely on pay check to pay check. You sympathize with him on his financial condition, even offer some help financially. You also pray for him. You might even offer special prayers at some “all gets done/well” shrine while in India. Few days later you hear that very same friend hit a multi million dollar jackpot in a lottery. You are supposed to have or express boundless happiness on his bounty. But deep down, are you?

I feel sorry for their loss sincerely but I don't think its any where closer to what the surviving family is going through. But I really dont think I felt any time that thank God its not me who is going through. Or may be unconsciously i did, also the intensity would fade sooner than the concerned family.

I would feel happy for her gain and at the same time feel "what a lucky girl"...I wish I were in her place.

See the difference, we want all the good things in life and not the sad things. Really bad.

[kkkk]

So shedding tears over a scene of movie = how a person will react in real life scenario? What kind of logic is that?:confused:

That way every person coming out of Rang de Basanti should kill a Minister each....:dontknow:

dont jump to conclusions!

did you or did you not cry watching those movies?

[pakkidost]

dont jump to conclusions!

did you or did you not cry watching those movies?

Yes I did!

[kkkk]

Yes I did!

you are saying you get moved so much emotionally by some characters in a show (that you know dont exist!) of not more than 3-4 hours that you feel the grief enough to cry out. but you wouldnt feel enough sadness for some bad situation befalling someone close in real life (touchwood, no such thing should happen)!?

aww come on... I dont think thats right.

I think one gets involved in movies, for sometime atleast. The time one cries is when you forget that what you are experiancing is fictional.

[pakkidost]

you are saying you get moved so much emotionally by some characters in a show (that you know dont exist!) of not more than 3-4 hours that you feel the grief enough to cry out. but you wouldnt feel enough sadness for some bad situation befalling someone close in real life (touchwood, no such thing should happen)!?

aww come on... I dont think thats right.

I think one gets involved in movies, for sometime atleast. The time one cries is when you forget that what you are experiancing is fictional.

But where did I say "I wont feel bad/sad at all" in the circumstances stated by thread starter?

All I said is OK I will shed a tear may be, that might be because someone else is crying (it is very common for us women to start crying when we see someone else shedding tears), I feel moved by the atmosphere in such cases or may be i feel sad myself. But will my grief/sadness be equal to the person going through the pain of loosing a near and dear one? NO!

[pakkidost]

I think one gets involved in movies, for sometime atleast. The time one cries is when you forget that what you are experiancing is fictional.

So? Whats the point?

[kkkk]

But where did I say "I wont feel bad/sad at all" in the circumstances stated by thread starter?

All I said is OK I will shed a tear may be, that might be because someone else is crying (it is very common for us women to start crying when we see someone else shedding tears), I feel moved by the atmosphere in such cases or may be i feel sad myself. But will my grief/sadness be equal to the person going through the pain of loosing a near and dear one? NO!


ok, not equal in depth to the person undergoing the pain
but not shallow as indicated by
"In first case I will be sad, but don't think will be disturbed or can feel someone else's sadness in same depth and intensity"
When I read that statement, I thought you meant to say you will feel something, but that will be really superficial. If that is not what you meant then, my mistake.
I think anyone does feel enough to be disturbed.

[chitrala]

While attending funerals; is it possible to be really sad in somebody’s moment of sadness? Is it possible to feel someone else’s sadness in same depth and intensity? Or is it that we put a sad face but deep down think, thank god, it didn’t happen to me.

If the above question is too dark, let me put in another situation - Suppose you have a friend who is deep in debts and managing to live barely on pay check to pay check. You sympathize with him on his financial condition, even offer some help financially. You also pray for him. You might even offer special prayers at some “all gets done/well” shrine while in India. Few days later you hear that very same friend hit a multi million dollar jackpot in a lottery. You are supposed to have or express boundless happiness on his bounty. But deep down, are you?


I am too uncomfortable in such situations... I am already clumsy enough and don't know what to say in normal situations... and these situations make me worse... I find nothing good enough to console a person... all those lines seem cheesy.... so I leave the person alone in peace. Most of the time I come up with "I don't know what to say, I'm very sorry". If it is a dear friend of mine, then I try to talk about different things pretending nothing happened. I just can't empathise, I find it insulting for the person who is grieving.

I prefer it that way with myself as well, I find it extremely uncomfortable and annoyed when people come up with consoling comments or try to cheer you up with crappy lines. I'd rather be left alone.

[sunnykode]

When my best friends dad passed away, i was in US and was not able to attend his dad's funeral. I have met his dad only couple of times, and may have spoken with him just once or twice. When my friend informed me of his loss, i was speechless. I could hear him cry and all I did was cry with him. I was so moved by his words, that I could not come up with a single word to say to him. We were young (19 yrs) and I felt really sorry for him.

He went through many economic hardships in life. He had to take care of his family (two sisters and mom) from the age of 19. I always tried to help him financially, but that bugger never took any money. So I helped him in other ways. If he became a millionaire overnight, i will be nothing else but happy for him.

[Sane Less]

I always find myself smiling and generally having fun at any funeral. I used to feel very bad about this later on... but found that that's how I am... even at funerals of near-and-dear ones. I am just not able to express my innermost feelings... so any funny moment or comment brings a smile to my face.

Thanks to Kkaki pai for explaining this conundrum in his post (#9) above.

[JaiSpeaks]

I usually dont talk to anyone . just stand in one corner .

[Sane Less]

I usually dont talk to anyone . just stand in one corner .
This sounds like a good idea... I should do this too.

Edit: at least this way I can stand and stare at the beautiful but sad girls.

[swami]

I usually dont talk to anyone . just stand in one corner .
He is not asking about talking or standing he wants your view about sharing :D

[JaiSpeaks]

This sounds like a good idea... I should do this too.

Edit: at least this way I can stand and stare at the beautiful but sad girls.

and if you are lucky like Will ferree (Wedding Crashers) you can bone one too ...

[badriprasad]

Sharing happiness is possible as long as its free drinks and food. Sharing sadness is good but trouble starts when miserable person tries to impose his miserable life upon you. It is difficult to sympathies with such person or persons. Misery finds ways to seek company.


Bhavarth ... stay away from miserable people.

[JaiSpeaks]

He is not asking about talking or standing he wants your view about sharing :D

like what . Shoulder sharing ?

[ALBERT PINTO]

Recently my father’s distant cousin passed away. This uncle was a one of the dearest relative I ever had. When I heard the news, many childhood memories flashed in front of my eyes. I was in deep pain and regretted that in the pretext of work and others how I kept myself away from visiting the near and dear ones in the last few years. This uncle was not well for long time and I used to talk to him over phone for long hours. Its improper to compare, but to let you guys know the intensity of my relation with him, I used to hear him more than his own sons. Many a times, I wanted to visit him, but some or the other thing took priority; and I missed visiting him.

I wasn’t able to go back to India to attend his cremation/last rites. My passport was at an embassy for stamping visa and it was a weekend and I didn’t get my passport back for next two days; missed seeing him for a last time.

I didn’t call his wife or sons because I don't know what to say. It was a loss for me too. Is loss comparable?

A week later I reached India and visited the family. Incidentally, they were having a post cremation religious ceremony. At the function, I sensed that few guys who were closer relative to this uncle were treating me as sort of social outcast because I didn’t do the social norm of visiting and paying the last respect or atleast a call to console the family if I was away from the place.

Not that these petty things matters, but these incident brings me to a question – how you can console somebody when you yourself is at equally or more at loss? And are the formalities or so-called social norms so strong that you have to conform it to be part of a society?

[Rakhi]

I didn’t call his wife or sons because I don't know what to say. It was a loss for me too. Is loss comparable?

Not that these petty things matters, but these incident brings me to a question – how you can console somebody when you yourself is at equally or more at loss? And are the formalities or so-called social norms so strong that you have to conform it to be part of a society?

I am so sorry to hear your loss.

This is how I feel about this situation: Loss is not comparable (I think) because everyone is experiencing loss at different levels.
Yes, when you yourself is grieving his loss there is no way you will find words to console others. According to me formalities take a back seat when it comes these kind of situations.

[amritvani]

Recently my father’s distant cousin passed away. This uncle was a one of the dearest relative I ever had. When I heard the news, many childhood memories flashed in front of my eyes. I was in deep pain and regretted that in the pretext of work and others how I kept myself away from visiting the near and dear ones in the last few years. This uncle was not well for long time and I used to talk to him over phone for long hours. Its improper to compare, but to let you guys know the intensity of my relation with him, I used to hear him more than his own sons. Many a times, I wanted to visit him, but some or the other thing took priority; and I missed visiting him.

I wasn’t able to go back to India to attend his cremation/last rites. My passport was at an embassy for stamping visa and it was a weekend and I didn’t get my passport back for next two days; missed seeing him for a last time.

I didn’t call his wife or sons because I don't know what to say. It was a loss for me too. Is loss comparable?

A week later I reached India and visited the family. Incidentally, they were having a post cremation religious ceremony. At the function, I sensed that few guys who were closer relative to this uncle were treating me as sort of social outcast because I didn’t do the social norm of visiting and paying the last respect or atleast a call to console the family if I was away from the place.

Not that these petty things matters, but these incident brings me to a question – how you can console somebody when you yourself is at equally or more at loss? And are the formalities or so-called social norms so strong that you have to conform it to be part of a society?


Don't worry about the social norms. However if you do empathize, please don't let 'not knowing what to say' hold you back. There was a loss in my family and I was surprised to see people from far away places and out of town visiting or call in and sharing their memories. I have no idea how the news spreads (in India), but it does. Many of them clearly were at a loss on how to begin the conversation but that doesn't matter. If you feel that pain, just let it out and don't let it burn just inside you... you need to grieve as well for your part of the loss...

[raniraja]

Pinto, it is not the dead, but the living who need the support of your presence. Whatever your beliefs, all the post-mortem ceremonies are meant to get the tribe together. Most of us are staying away from our families and those who have been away for a long time will realise that death and marriages are the two occasions that bring a family together. Hope you can make up for that mistake. I know how it feels, for too often I have been guilty of being there for my people. You see, just a word matters.

[tantric_yogi]

Wasn't it in the news? Close relatives are hiring/paying B and C category Bollywood film stars to come to a loved ones funeral ... acting sad.

[sprite]

Yes !! :rolleyes:

[amritvani]

Wasn't it in the news? Close relatives are hiring/paying B and C category Bollywood film stars to come to a loved ones funeral ... acting sad.

stealing jobs of rudalees? I could never get the concept of hiring people to cry.

[raniraja]

stealing jobs of rudalees? I could never get the concept of hiring people to cry.Haven't you heard, only the employed are eligible for new jobs. Rudalees have been out of job ever since Dimple Kapadia took over their role.

[smellyfinger]

Wasn't it in the news? Close relatives are hiring/paying B and C category Bollywood film stars to come to a loved ones funeral ... acting sad.

New twist to this.

The fans for the North Korean team at the world cup are actually Chinese who are hired to go cheer for NK. This is because NK citizens dont get visas to go anywhere. :D

So hundreds of Chinese "fans" were hired to go cheer for NK - many of them have never even seen a soccer match before :D

[Sane Less]

New twist to this.

The fans for the North Korean team at the world cup are actually Chinese who are hired to go cheer for NK. This is because NK citizens dont get visas to go anywhere. :D

So hundreds of Chinese "fans" were hired to go cheer for NK - many of them have never even seen a soccer match before :D
So what happens to the NK soccer team now that their match was telecast live in NK (for the first time, it seems) and they lost miserably:confused:

[smellyfinger]

So what happens to the NK soccer team now that their match was telecast live in NK (for the first time, it seems) and they lost miserably:confused:

What NK soccer team?? :dontknow:

[Sane Less]

What NK soccer team?? :dontknow:
Oh... they are already past:D