Friday thread for September 23, 2005

[echarcha]

Guess Who??
Freddy is at the supermarket when he notices that the
rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised
her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken
aback that such a looker would be waving to him and
although familiar, he can't place where he might know
her from, and so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might
be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had
been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he says, "Are you that strip -o-gram on my
stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front
of all my buddies while your friend whipped
me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

[Cooldude]

"Christ!" he says, "Are you that strip -o-gram on my
stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front
of all my buddies while your friend whipped
me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
ass?"



What a weirdo.... :rotfl:

Good one Cha Pai.... :D :up:

[padhu]

A couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last question before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam".

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man!
Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! !"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. !"

"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"

[padhu]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex anywhere other than the bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10.You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the %&@# stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20.A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh Shit! What happened?"

[padhu]

Have any of you guys thought of learning to speak Mandarin (Chinese)? Try, like I have managed to incorporate my version of the language. Have fun.

That’s not right..................................................Sum Ting Wong
Are your harboring a fugitive?.......................Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP…………………………………….Kum Hai Now
Stupid Man……………………………………….Dum Gai
Small Horse……………………………………….Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...............................Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped the coffee table…………………….Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need face lift ………………………Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here…………………………….Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet…………………..Wai You Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone…………………………No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week……Wai Yu Kum Nao
Stay out of sight……………………………………Lai Ing Lo
He is cleaning his car…………………………….Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive……………………..Yu Stink Ki Pu
Great ………………………………………………..Fa Kin Su Pah

[padhu]

A young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" , he was asked.
"The efforts began many years earlier and the final result was in 1947", he
replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?".
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be injustice
to another", he replied.

"Is corruption the No.1 enemy of our country?"
"Some research on the subject is in progress and I can answer with
certainty only after seeing the report", he replied.

The interview panel was very pleased with his original and thoughtful
answers and he was told not reveal the questions to others, since they were
planning to ask the same questions. When he went out naturally others were
curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent
Sardar would not leave him.

"At least tell me the answers", he pleaded and our friend obliged.

Then it was the Sardar's turn. He went inside and since his resume was
illegible, a panel member asked him,
"By the way, what is your Date of Birth?".
He replied, "The efforts began many years earlier and the final result was
in 1947".

Somewhat puzzled, he asked another question. "What is your father's name?".
He replied," There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be
injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed. "Hey, are you mad or what?"
He replied, "Some research on the subject is in progress and I can answer
with certainty only after seeing the report".

[padhu]

Father - Which part of the body goes to heaven first ?
kid - legs
Father - why legs
kid - because, i see mom every night with her legs up and
screaming, "oh god i am coming"



Twins talking inside mother's womb
T1 - The place is shaking, daddy's here again, he is early today
T2 - Shhh, quiet, that's not daddy, daddy doesn't wear a raincoat




2 drunks staring into their drinks. One got a curios look and said,
"hey, have u ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it?"
The other replied, "yep ! i have been married to one for years !!!"




Q-what is the difference between a chicken and a baby ? A-Chicken
is the result of a sitting hen, while the baby is the result of a standing cock




Why do women wear black panties ?
Its a way for them to say "in memory of those who were buried here"




One day a secretary saw her boss's pants unzip. She said, "boss ur
garage's door is open".
Boss, "did u see my ferrari ?".
secretary, "no boss, i can see a scooter with two punctured tyres




Boy goes for blood test. nurse takes sample and cannot find cotton,
so she sucks his finger. Boy is so happy that he asks, "can i get a
urine test done ?"




A 85 year old man gets sensation and wants to '....' his wife. Wife says, "if you are going to start that rusty thing again, I will have to take a tetanus.




Why do women love gold more than man?
Because Gold has 24 Carrots while man has only one.




Prostitute to man:"Hi, man, want to have sex? Man to prostitute: "Ok.Only if you do it like my wife does." Prostitute:"I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Man:"She does it for free.

[TerminatorJR]

A couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last question before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam".

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man!
Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! !"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. !"

"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"

Amtha, tumhaara kaam khatm hua kee nahee ? :D j/k

Padhu :screw: TerminatorJR

Repeat Post ;) http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showpost.php?p=280584&postcount=24

[TerminatorJR]

Have any of you guys thought of learning to speak Mandarin (Chinese)? Try, like I have managed to incorporate my version of the language. Have fun.

That’s not right..................................................Sum Ting Wong
Are your harboring a fugitive?.......................Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP…………………………………….Kum Hai Now
Stupid Man……………………………………….Dum Gai
Small Horse……………………………………….Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...............................Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped the coffee table…………………….Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need face lift ………………………Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here…………………………….Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet…………………..Wai You Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone…………………………No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week……Wai Yu Kum Nao
Stay out of sight……………………………………Lai Ing Lo
He is cleaning his car…………………………….Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive……………………..Yu Stink Ki Pu
Great ………………………………………………..Fa Kin Su Pah

Kya baat hai Padhu ji, aaj khol ke baithe ho ;)

Padhu :screw: TerminatorJR
Ek aur Repeat Post. http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showpost.php?p=178361&postcount=5

[Desi24]

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian?"

[TerminatorJR]

Desi24, yaar Brazil (http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8591) ki baat mat kar :p

Wot after Costa Rica ? Brazil ? :D

[Desi24]

Desi24, yaar Brazil (http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8591) ki baat mat kar :p

Wot after Costa Rica ? Brazil ? :D

Yaar kya karu....after Costa Rica....I am just in a Latin state of mind. :whacky:

[santra]

Desi24, yaar Brazil ki baat mat kar

Wot after Costa Rica ? Brazil ?

Guys this weekend I am going to Sao Luis, Brazil for a week for office's work. any tips on to do/not to do things.

[Desi24]

Desi24, yaar Brazil ki baat mat kar

Wot after Costa Rica ? Brazil ?

Guys this weekend I am going to Sao Luis, Brazil for a week for office's work. any tips on to do/not to do things.

Never been to Brazil before but this is what my friends who went there for Carnival told me. Most of the girls in clubs/bars are hookers. They are drop dead gorgeous....even bettter than the victoria secret models. So in a drunken state is tough to resist them but keep in mind......Brazil is STD central. You don't want to come back with a gift that keeps giving ;) .

Also.....be wary of pickpockets and only travel in marked official taxis's. This problem is prevlenant in all latin countries.

Have fun! :up:

[TerminatorJR]

You r lucky Santra to be going to the land of beaches, tides and G-strings. Be careful of pick-pocketters and cheap hookers. Don't know anything about Sao Luis or Brazil to share any info; do say hello to Roberto Carlos & Ronaldo. :) Enjoy your trip & don't forget to let us know how it was.

[dhurandhar]

From www.ratemyprofessors.com
Prof.D is a living legend. In Prof.D Language the phrase "and then we factor" comes out to sound like "And then we f*ed her"... what a beast!

[Desi24]

Desi24, yaar Brazil ki baat mat kar

Wot after Costa Rica ? Brazil ?

Guys this weekend I am going to Sao Luis, Brazil for a week for office's work. any tips on to do/not to do things.

Go to the thread about butts in Lal Mirchi and chk out the last post by me to see what's waiting for you in Brazil. I was gonna post it here but realized the rules of the forum....

[prosedevi]

Funny photos ...

[Desi24]

Do you guys remember the comedian Carrottop? He is a prop comic and he did those anyone 800-call-att commecials as well. He used to be a skinny as hell.

Look at him now!!! :eek:

http://www.theschwenz.com/images/carrot.jpg

[Alibaba]

An Elephant staring at a sexy female Elephant.. exclaims.. "Wow... 3600-2400-3600"

[Alibaba]

Agar Hamare haath aasmaan tak pohochte..

Agar Hamare haath aasmaan tak pohochte..


Toh chaand taarein duur ki baat hain....




Pariyon ki g@nd mein ungli kar aatein!! :D

[ramrajya]

Musalmaano key Ghar Ka Ajeeb dekha Dastur
Pardha Hai Muhh Kaa Kehtey Hai Burr Kaa

Rauj Kehtey Thhey Aaadaab,
aaj daab diyye toh naraaj ho gayyi

[tapasvi]

Rauj Kehtey Thhey Aaadaab,
aaj daab diyye toh naraaj ho gayyi

repeat marta hai..http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showthread.php?p=275650#post275650

Chal bhidu aaja khopche me..ramrajya :screw: tapasvi

[tapasvi]

An Elephant staring at a sexy female Elephant.. exclaims.. "Wow... 3600-2400-3600"


An elephant staring at a naked man exclaims..

..


..


..


..


..


..


how do you breathe through such a small thing! :D

[TerminatorJR]

repeat marta hai..http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showthread.php?p=275650#post275650

Chal bhidu aaja khopche me..ramrajya :screw: tapasvi
Enjoy the tradition of eCharcha.com's repeat post screwing Ramrajya. :p

[TerminatorJR]

An elephant staring at a naked man exclaims..

..


..


..


..


..


..


how do you breathe through such a small thing! :D

kya baat hai, is hafte Friday se pehle hee public REPEATS karna shuru ho gayee .

Tapasvi jee, are you ready ? lol

Tapasvi :screw: TerminatorJR

kyon ? :eek:


Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that thing?.


http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showpost.php?p=184329&postcount=1

[TerminatorJR]

:D @ Alibaba. Welcome back.

[Sane Less]

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college educations of his children!!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 80, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's husband is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand.

Sadie answers, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Rabbi."

[TerminatorJR]

Got me laughing man Sane . :D Good one.

Visa waala pic sahi hai prosedevi.

[TerminatorJR]

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.



PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.



YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

[TerminatorJR]

I can't afford My Gasoline. (http://www.atomfilms.com/contentPlay/shockwave.jsp?id=cant_afford_gas&preplay) :)

Hope the link works.

[TerminatorJR]

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...
this is what would happen (http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jack_ccc/album?.dir=/76c6) :D

[TerminatorJR]

Cha pai, any comments on the Commodes & Toilet paper ? :D

[prosedevi]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................




....



.....


....



So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

[tapasvi]

Enjoy the tradition of eCharcha.com's repeat post screwing Ramrajya. :p


Yaar but you did not let the joy of my :screw: to ramrajya last long. :( Meri bhi maardaali tune :D

kya baat hai, is hafte Friday se pehle hee public REPEATS karna shuru ho gayee .

Tapasvi jee, are you ready ? lol

Tapasvi :screw: TerminatorJR

kyon ? :eek:



http://www.echarcha.com/forum/showpost.php?p=184329&postcount=1

[TerminatorJR]

Aaj Friday hai yaar, full jhingalala. :D

Yaar but you did not let the joy of my :screw: to ramrajya last long

Aur kitni der tak ? hain ? Doosron ko bhi chanas milna chaahiya ; noh ? :p

[Desi24]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at
a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk the same burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when Iwas young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips
both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, ow old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise", she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[Desi24]

"Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed
3 times.
> > >
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a

quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos

totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
> > >
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got

away with that one!
>
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > >
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****.", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Sane Less]

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......


BUMP........





BUMP........







BUMP........






Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.




BUMP........









BUMP........









BUMP........



He froze to the spot, he couldn> '> t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.





BUMP........







BUMP........







BUMP........







He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........







BUMP........BUMP......







BUMP........BUMP..







BUMP........BUMP......







The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...







BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...







BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...







He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......







BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.







BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....







BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.







Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........







BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...







BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...







BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...







The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...







He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









He grabbed some Vicks Formula 44 cough mixture and threw it........







The coffin stopped.

[Desi24]

^^^^I was unable to find the funny^^^^ :whacky:

[Sane Less]

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....

****************************

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around a and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

*****************************

I was at the go lf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

******************************

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

******************************************

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

***********************************

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, Are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants And sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

**********************

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Sane Less]

^^^^I was unable to find the funny^^^^ :whacky:

Vicks Action Formula 44 stops the coffin (coughing) :whacky:

[Desi24]

^^^^Now that's some funny sh!t^^^^

Especially the last one.... :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Sane Less]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes," nodded the Monkey.

"What else?" asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.

"Yes," nodded the Monkey.

"What else?" queried the officer.

The monkey made a sexual sign with his fingers

"So they were playing around too!?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?"

"Yes," the Monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

[Desi24]

A senator dies and goes to heaven. As he stands before St. Peter and the Pearly Gates, he notices a large number of clocks on the the wall.

"St. Peter, what are all those clocks on the wall"

"Oh, those are lie-clocks. Every person on earth has one. Every time you tell a lie the hand moves"

"ahh, i see... who's clock is that?"

"thats Mother Teresa's clock. She's never told a lie so the hands have never moved"

"wow, thats amazing... who's clock is that?"

"Thats Aberham Lincoln's clock. He's only told two lies his whole life so the hands have only moved twice."

"Equally impressive.... might I ask which one is George W. Bush's clock?"

"Oh, that one isnt here. Jesus keeps it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan..."

[Desi24]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
from the matzo?" Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, " we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you

[dawizard]

A couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last question before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam".

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man!
Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! !"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. !"

"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"


lol that was funny!!

[Alibaba]

Thanks for the welcome TJR pai..


Some more from me...

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Q: How do you keep an archeologist busy?

A: Give him a sanitary napkin and ask him to figure out what period it belongs to! :D

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Three Sardars were caught raping a girl.. At the identification parade.. the girl walks in. As soon as they see her.. they start shouting "Yeh hi thi woh!" :D

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Q: Whats the height of unemployment?

A: A spider web found on a prostitute's vagina! :D

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Q: Whats the difference between a chic and a baby?

A: A chic is a result of a patiently sitting hen while a baby's a result of an impatiently standing cock! :D

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Q: Whats the new definition of old age?

A: When you see a sexy babe and it arouses your memories instead of your dick! :D

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More later..!! :D