Desi teenagers

[videsee]

How many of you have experience bringing up teenagers in Videsh?

My experience?
As much fun as having three root canals on the same day, everyday!

While racial discrimination is frowned upon, racial segregation certainly exists side by side with teasing, bullying etc. Kids then gravitate towards a 'black' culture and are therefore nicknamed 'diggers' (desi niggers). Rap music and a totally different role model.

We parents watch helplessly.

Anyone wants to add????

[echarcha]

I think you are the same videsee from gandmasti.com

Nice to see you here... Welcome! :up:

[videsee]

Yes I am the same.

Congratulations on the site. I will be spending more time here and telling others about it.

Right now I am wondering whether my decision to migrate was the right one. One of the MOST painful things in life is seeing your children go down the wrong path.

I guess the average age on this board is somewhat younger.......

[echarcha]

You had given me some good feedback about eCharcha and I think I have kept that in mind while toning the direction of eCharcha.


About teenagers or as we desis know them as ABCD :cool: well, I dont know much about it except I can guess that Indians born in USA must be feeling quite strange - American society since birth yet an Indian parentage and culture at home. Must be feeling different to follow some Indian traditions when they are from here and their friends at school are from here yet they have to follow some traditions and customs from a country they probably only have heard about and never been to.

I dont know your specific case, but if I was born here to Indian migrant parents, then probabaly I would wonder a lot about who I really am? An Indian in America or an American who has Indian roots?:confused:

[kate]

Their girls are doing great in studies. As for their boy friends, I don't know if they have any but a number of teenage girls in Delhi/Bombay/B'lore have boy friends, so even if they have any, I would not hold it against them.

I don't know how the desi teenage kids react to other white/black/hispanic/asian kids at school. I am thinking that most don't have problems or should I say less problems than an average american teenager has.

Just my perception.

[laal_langot]

If anything CD's confused desis are much more uptight about issues like boyfriends and drinking smoking etc.....compared to kids their age from India.....I have grown up with CD's and desis both and I think to quite an extent kids of immigrants who moved prior to 90's are greater puritans compared to Indian kids their age....

Only thing is they seem distant because unhein hindu naheen aata....woh India naheen jaaya hai....

[videsee]

Perhaps I should amplify.

My family & I migrated to Canada from Dubai three years ago ( checkout my book www.arrivalsurvival.com).

My son was 14 then. He is 17 now. And I can as a parent slowly see the erosion of desi culture and tehzeeb.

The influences are so great it sometimes is overwhelming for a parent. Being fairly liberal myself, it is not minor stuff like smoking or girlfriends I find difficult to handle. I have seen people who want the videsee mudra, but want their kids to grow up totally indianised which is what causes ABCD's.

My problem is more seeing how my son doesn't have the drive to excel in studies and is talking of dropping out! Now this is something I have a big problem with!!

How have other parents handled this? I dont know. We are pretty isolated from an Indian community here (sometimes I wonder whether that is a contributory factor too) and are pretty much lost on this issue. I must mention I have a 21 yr old daughter who is exemplary in every way! Works, studies at college, insists on paying her own tuition and car insurance (for her beloved Mustang!!!) and is the MOST responsible child I have EVER seen (including me hehehehe). My problem is more seeing how my son doesn't have the drive to excel in studies and is talking of dropping out! Now this is something I have a big problem with!!

[aryaputra]

now this is one real serious topic in a verrrry long time.

yes sir videsee, it is a very dificult thing to see your kid go down the wrong path. But again the question is -is it because of the videsee culture or one's own preferences?

I have seen equally good number of good students go down th wrong lane in India during my high school days - days when the kid should have been studying, he is more interested in making friends with girl classmates, trying to show off by wasting time in the canteen and trying to show that he does not need to attend classes in order to succeed, spending more time in trying to make a solid plan to "lay" down a whore (of all the things)...
wasting time on smoking and boozing such to prove that he is macho material....makes me wonder.....

[Indian]

after reading your post..
i remember what my uncle did to their kids .

He had a teenaged son and a daughter, with problems similar to yours. With a great difficulty he managed to keep the indian qualities alive in those kids.. untill they are out from school.(10th standard of India) while they were in America. And then he sent them to India(grand parents) ..for further studies. They completed their MBBS and BE from reputed colleges of india. During their stay in india ..they learnt, a lot of all about india and indian culture e.tc. Girl married a guy from India here ..and now they are back in America. They changed a lot(for better) after they stayed here in india.

may be you can try a technique similar to this , to solve out your problem.

Cheers

[smartganduinuk]

What a topic after a long long time....

ABCD's are really a confused lot..... It all depends on the upbringing of the children and the nature of parents as well. I have seen both extremes in ABCD's - one who is more Indianised than the Indian lot and second who are totally Americanised!!

I had a very close friend who got his greencard(his dad had applied about 25yrs ago) He had a cousin! Both of them went to US about 6 yrs ago, just after their college!! Being brahmins, his cousin started to have flesh(nothing wrong in that), but whatever culture n upbringing etc went down the drain n he was completely americanised. The other one is now more Indian than a normal indian!! He is more conservative and has maintained and improved on what he had in terms of culture.

Again, I think, its the personality of the individual which drives him towards a specific directions. I wouldnt say that Indians living in India value their customs and traditions more - that would be a gross generalisation. Do we not see two brothers or sisters going in exact opposite directions ? Being in US only assists in their inherent tendencies!! If you would have watched the movie "Parvarish"(Amitabh and Vinod Khanna), it portrays the same truth that even with the same upbringing, same parents, same house; the individuals can have exactly opposite tendencies! Although the environment and surroundings do play a major role and can completely transform an individual. And if we were to exactly predict, forecast and understand the complexities of human nature, life wouldnt be as we see it. :)

[Pretty Woman]

Videsee,

I guess it must be hard for your son too, to migrate, leave a familar environment and adjust to a new one. Perhaps all this added to the confusion. Fourteen is a very impressionable age.

Solution.... I don't really know, having no experience in this department. Maybe you should also try conselling for your son. Its not considered such a bad thing anymore. Teenagers sometimes find it easier to open upto a third person, rather than their own parents.

Don't try to control him too much. Have chats with him like a friend, rather than a parent (easier said, than done i know). But having been a teenager, I certainly know, that mom's lectures used to make me roll my eyes in exasperation.... heheh. I used to confide in and listen to my elder brother though, who used to treat me like an adult, rather than a child. Respecting my opinions, and giving suggestions rather than making them sound like orders. I know at that age, he was the only one i listened to (um somewhat!) :-)

I'd still suggest counselling. All the best!

[Netra]

Videsee, touch wood I haven't had problems with my daughters until now. My older daughter is 16 and the other going on to 13. I am a very lenient mother and try to act more as their friend than as a mother. Maybe that's why they tend to confide things in me. They don't smoke and the older one doesnt even have a boy friend yet in spite of being the best looking girl in her class. When I tease her about this, she says "We are not in India here, people don't care as much about beauty as other things". She doesn't tell me what the "other things" are.

As far as female friends are concerned, there is no dirth. Both my daughters are very popular, maybe because of their accomodative and friendly nature. When I was their age, I was really wild (going to discos, trying smoking etc.) and this was in India in the early 70s. So I must thank my stars that my girls are not going the way I did.

One thing for sure: if you tell children not to do something, they will be tempted to do it. But if you give them a "dhili lagam" they will stay with you. The only thing I have warned them about is drugs and AIDS.

Good luck to you Videsee with your son. I am sure he will be fine.

Cheers

Netra

[risingsun]

well thats a tricky one. I think kids always look up to parents as the first role model. So inspite of external influences parents play one of the greatest part in shaping kids mentalities. At least in my case this happened.

but then i wonder how in videsee's family opposite poles developed. one thing to thank for is at least he knows what his son is up to. its not that the kid says he is going to school but not really going. now can there be a way to show the kid that studying is important, that not all drop outs are successful, that more chances are that he will end a pauper rather that the vagrant prince. moreover i think that sending him somewhere away from family at such a time ( crucial for him though he wont realise it now) would not be a wise decision. only family's support, insistence could bring him back.

[aryaputra]

Originally posted by risingsun
well thats a tricky one. I think kids always look up to parents as the first role model. So inspite of external influences parents play one of the greatest part in shaping kids mentalities. At least in my case this happened.

but then i wonder how in videsee's family opposite poles developed. one thing to thank for is at least he knows what his son is up to. its not that the kid says he is going to school but not really going. now can there be a way to show the kid that studying is important, that not all drop outs are successful, that more chances are that he will end a pauper rather that the vagrant prince. moreover i think that sending him somewhere away from family at such a time ( crucial for him though he wont realise it now) would not be a wise decision. only family's support, insistence could bring him back.

yes. Kids always look up to parents as role models. In my case, I looked at my Dad and his success and said "I'll be like him-just as or more successful" but on the other hand I saw my Dad smoking and drinking and it's effects and I said "I'll never be like my Dad - I'll never smoke or drink"

But the best thing was that my parents NEVER forced anything onto me. They let me learn by letting me look around myself - yes, they surely did turn my head in the right direction but never told me what to look at - that was supposed to be my job -to look around and learn from other's mistakes.

[krishna]

Coming from the dog's mouth, I was born in the US and "ABCD" is a very fitting term. Until I was around twenty, which is around the time I met my wife, I didn't know if I was coming or going.
I look back now and wonder how my parents put up with me. Really, I was very lucky to have Indian parents and be born into a culture where parents lives revolve around their children.
Oddly enough, in those "days of turmoil" the things I rejected the most are the things I embrace most passionately now.

[gandesh]

videese maharaj ever thought that maybe u just have a bad boy n it has nothing to do with the place u are in??? rotten apples turn up in almost every apple crate... it doesn't mean the whole farm is bad... :)

[aryaputra]

c'mon gandesh. don't be so f*cking rude with videsee.

to be candid is one thing....

[gandesh]

arya papaji i think its a valid point.... i don't think that 3 years in canada might have influenced videshi's son so much... specially since he has already pointed out that his other child is doing quite well... i think if he wants to resolve the problem he should concentrate on its correct cause which of course is internal not external.....

[videsee]

I have a tendency to ignore puerile comments as I have gotten a lot more valuable comments from other echarchans.

Sometimes, when people don't have anything worthwhile to contribute, they behave like gandesh.

Only when they have a similar situation in their house, they will understand the pain that parents go through.

.... desi kids/teenagers are not bad.

Let us not compare our teenage lives with our children. That is the first mistake. For example, I had limited resources growing up, while my children have more. Plus, the times are changing and progressing.

With whatever the circumstances are today, chances are that a teenager will do the same thing in India as he/she is doing in USA - like kate said teenage girls in India too have boyfriends. Yes, some kids may do bad in studies but generally desi kids abroad are actually good in studies and they make friends too. The important thing for parents is to screen their friends - be it in India or here in the west.

If know a desi family who could not buy a house even after 15-20 years in the US but paid for their son's college education (you can't expect that in an American family) and when their son got out of the college and had a well paying job in the same city, they could buy a house on the joint family income. What more could a father expect from a son?

[gandesh]

hmmm.. thought i'd repeat my reply from another thread as its more appropriate to post it here....

videshi first of all if i what i said offended u then i do sincerely appologize... i have no problems in saying that... however i hope u do realize that i do have an alternate point of view on ur problem n i voiced it so that u could consider other alternatives too....

---
eNRI is an unpatriotic bastard... :)

[videsee]

Perhaps Gandesh what is required is a little sensitivity.

Sitting in judgement on others is unfair at best of times. To do so when a person is hurting is grossly unfair! Irrespective of 'points of view'

ANyway.

Apology accepted (and appreciated)

Lets drop it.